Emily’s Post

Married for 32 years to a dominant, self-centered, abusive husband

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DEAR EMILY,

I have been married 32 years to a dominant, self-centered and abusive husband. I always try to please him out of fear. He is not a saint and I won’t be surprised if he’s had one-night stands with other women.

My husband loves the night life. He drinks with his barkada three times a week and comes home way past midnight. I cannot complain because he doesn’t allow me to complain.

My nightmare happened two years ago when I found out he was having an affair with one of his employees, a young gold digger. I got very angry and very hurt. This time, I found the courage to confront him.

Obviously, he denied it. Their affair went on for several months. Every time I’d confront him, he would yell, call me names, curse me. He’d hit me as well! He warned me that if I kept on confronting him or talking about his infidelity, he would hurt me more and more.

Things are worse now. We always fight even over petty matters. He has become more abusive. Respect is gone.  He keeps telling me that everything he does is really “none of my business” and to just shut up.

Our only child is already married, and she doesn’t want to get involved in our marital problems. I support myself by working as an office clerk.

What next? How shall I end this nightmare?—Abused Unhappy Wife

Answer:

If you have no aspirations of being canonized in Rome and made a saint, there are many choices you can make if you’ve had it as an emotionally and physically abused wife.

Why do you allow yourself to be battered? Are you a masochist who enjoys suffering and just won’t do anything about it?

Unless you are disabled and cannot move around freely, why are you acting so helpless and hopeless and seem not to have the survival instinct to bolt to freedom? You have a job, so you’re not exactly dependent on your husband for survival. Even the lowly cockroach runs for its life at the first sign of danger—and you don’t?

Your daughter, through her sheer nonchalance, clearly wants you to decide your fate yourself and is not giving you any help in that department. She can see the handwriting on the wall, and it obviously isn’t good. Had she seen hope, she’d probably move mountains to save her parents’ relationship.

In a short while, your unhappiness may affect your health, and you may find yourself disabled by an illness. What then? Will you lie there alone, silently screaming in your mind over and over about the “should-haves” and “could-haves” you had the chance of pursuing but didn’t?

If there is a sliver of a chance for you to reverse the downward spiral of this marriage, grab it and see how it goes. Change your attitude completely toward him. Stop the nagging and just be nice, despite his horridness. He might notice the new you and be a better man because of it.

Life can change in the wink of an eye. You may not become a saint, but he might.

E-mail emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com

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  • http://twitter.com/ZALZANZIBAR ALBERTO ZALAZAR

    Abused wife…
    Make a wooden cross & let your husband nail you on it…
    I guess this letter is from a patient in a Mental Institution somewhere……!
    ..are you taking your medication regularly…?
    …OoopppS!…

  • aranjuez2001

    Leave now! Do not expect your husband to change because it will never happen.

    Abusive husbands especially wife batterers will never change. There is no cure.
    This is a FACT, proven by decades of studies about domestic violence.

  • Mux

    Dear Emily, I was in total agreement with your advice until I read this part:

    If there is a sliver of a chance for you to reverse the downward spiral
    of this marriage, grab it and see how it goes. Change your attitude
    completely toward him. Stop the nagging and just be nice, despite his
    horridness. He might notice the new you and be a better man because of
    it.

    I am a man, no matter how angry I am at my wife or children, nobody can say that I EVER raised a hand at them. This is inexcusable. There is absolutely no justification for physical violence against your wife or kids unless they attack me first. There is no sliver of a chance here no matter how nice she gets. He will remain an unfaithful, wife beating, SOB who may be a “good boy” for a few days but get back to his brutal ways. She should file a case of assault and battery against this SOB.

  • Janch

    Confront the young gold-digger and her family.
    Get a private investigator and get proof for a concubinage case against husband and mistress.
    Or just up and leave your husband. Get a lawyer to safeguard your rights to half the assets and property you and husband accumulated while together.

  • Guest

    Leave him and file for legal separation, unless you want to remarry. Don’t file for annulment – you’d make him and the mistress happy.

  • Vox Populi

    1. File criminal charges for violation of RA 9262.

    2. Leave him and file for legal separation, unless you want to remarry. Don’t file for annulment – you’d make him and the mistress happy.

    3. Get a life of your own. Life is beautiful. You deserve to be happy.

  • Akosirizal

    Agree with vox populi….plus file for Support. Make sure he pays! Don’t get mad, get everything!

  • Josemakabayan

    Your only child doesn’t want to get involved maybe because you don’t listen to her anyway? Don’t feel sorry for yourself and be a martyr, get out of the situation get a good lawyer charge him with domestic abuse and of philandeering, and let him rut in jail. Then get on living your wonderful life !!!!!!

  • resortman

    kaya may nangaabuso dahil may nagpapaabuso…sa edad mong yan alam mo na dapat gagawin mo..hintayin mong malasing at pag nakatulog, kapunin mo! haha…madaming paraan, wag mo sayangin panahon. lumayas ka at kasuhan mo. Sa susunod kasi, mamili ka ng iboboto mo..haha!!

  • Hurtlocker1

    Grabeee ka naman madam. U endure such agony????

    Me trabaho ka naman.

    Ummmm sana mali hinala ko ha: U hardly let him go possibly because your husband is so handsome??? nasayangan ka to ley him go?

    Or, u are so scared becoz of catholic belief na ang mag-asawa ay dapat hindi maghiwalay??? So dapat thru thick & think, kelangan magksama kau, heaven & hell???

    Dapat noon mo pa ginawa yan to leave him long before na sinaktan ka na….

    Unless kong talaga gusto mo mag pa canonize sa vatican, as the writer says.

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