DEAR EMILY,
I began an intimate relationship with an office mate of mine six years ago. I was single at the time, but he was already engaged to his girlfriend of two years. The two of us together was out of the question. He’s Chinese and I am Pinay. He said if only things were different, he could be with me.
After his marriage, we still saw each other on social occasions. In 2010, weeks before I got married, we met up again and spent the night together. We’ve stayed in touch, meet for coffee or lunch and talk about what’s happening in our individual lives.
Last year, he was assigned in Mindanao indefinitely. It so happened that I would conduct training seminars where he was, three times a year. He’d stay with me at my hotel and we’d have our intimate moments. We are very passionate in pleasing one another—the same intensity we had six years ago. Sadly, it’s not the same with me and my husband, and he with his wife.
His family is moving to the province to be with him later this year, and we both know we cannot do the same things anymore whenever I am there.
Each time I come home, I’d be lonely and miss him terribly. In my heart, I believe our friendship can even survive the coming changes when his family joins him. But I also know it’s not right to continue seeing each other.
We regularly call or text each other because he helps finance a small business of mine—though I have the capability to finance it myself—which my husband is unaware of. With this setup, I don’t know where and how to begin cutting ties with him.
I have a great job, a good husband and, though we are having difficulty conceiving, I am excited in building a family of my own.
Is this really love that I’ve been feeling all this time? Where do I start?
N.A.
Is this love you’ve felt for this man all these years? Love may have been in the air at the start of your relationship, but sadly, the feeling for him never landed as hard as yours. And please don’t give him more validity by accepting this cultural thing he tried to peddle to you. It’s not like you’re living in the dark ages when cultural differences mattered.
There are stories of true love surviving the unbearable and dire consequences of those unforgiving and intolerant years that they have now become the stuff of lore. In your case, he didn’t love you enough to fight for you. Period.
Your forbidden love will continue to survive despite the proximity of his family. He has even sweetened the pot—with money in the equation. You may say you don’t need his help—but, alas, you’ve accepted it, and that ties you to him.
It would be difficult to build your own family with this man in the picture. To quote Princess Diana of Britain, “this marriage is a bit crowded.”
If you call your trysts with him love, then it’s love. What’s in a name, anyway? But unless you look it in the eye and call it for what it really is, you cannot move forward. There’s no future for you in his life besides being his mistress, who accepts the emotional and financial crumbs he throws your way.
There is a husband you consider good, but he is the one out of your focus. You’re in limbo and you don’t even know it.
Only you can set this anomaly right. Just you.
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