DEAR EMILY,
I am a 33-year-old single man, not bad-looking, kinda smart, funny, well-educated and with a steady, high-paying job. Modesty aside, I believe I am a good catch for any girl.
A year ago, I met a very pretty 25-year-old girl, a single mother whose boyfriend works in the United States. Her status troubled me for a while, but I persisted and we began seeing each other regularly.
It’s been four months, and I would often sleep over at her house. I have become attached not only to her but also her son.
I feel, though, that she will never leave her boyfriend who supports her financially. And, considering she doesn’t have a job, she will need this support indefinitely. Despite her complaints about her boyfriend being abusive and her claims that she doesn’t love him anymore, I can see that she cares about him and wants to keep her family together.
I have been living in a fantasy world these past few months where I have my own family—a smart and beautiful wife and a cute young son. I acknowledge that I am the bad person here for inserting myself into her life, knowing that she is in a serious relationship. But I have been rationalizing that it does take two to tango. I can also honestly say that I make her happy, in and out of bed.
I feel that this relationship will eventually end with her boyfriend coming back to the Philippines or with her going to the US. Though a part of me feels relieved that someday I can move on to a more stable relationship with a new girl, and I will no longer be a kabit, I can’t stop myself from hoping that she will choose to stay with me instead. Am I just fooling myself with my delusions of a fairy tale ending?—CP3
Answer:
Anything forbidden is so seductive and tastes awfully sweet. Remember Adam and Eve? You’re going bonkers over this woman because the huge boulder between you two—her boyfriend—is becoming a real challenge.
She’ll complain to high heavens about the abuse he inflicts on her, she’ll tell you she’s not in love with him anymore—she’ll say this and that and much more—obviously to rationalize her attraction to you and make her relationship with you appear better than the one she’s discarding.
She can’t very well tell you otherwise without hurting you and making her feelings for you seem less. The lyrics of a song, “…if I am not near the boy I love, I love the boy I am near…” comes to mind.
What happens if you get her pregnant? What happens if she’s just waiting for her papers to join the other guy abroad? They have a child. They’ve had a history way before you. Do you think four months with you will obliterate that?
At 33, it’ll be best for you to set everything right before things get out of hand. Will you have the courage to stop the other guy’s financial support and carry on with that yourself? Why not test the water and propose marriage now if you’re serious about her, and not just while your time for a better woman to appear. See how she will react.
Save yourself from a clear and looming heartache. Think before you dig yourself deeper in a hole you can’t get out of. Words between you two may have the strength and commitment of soap bubbles, for all you know.
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