They say that not everyone you lose is a loss.
I read something on the Good Men Project website the other day written by Mark Radcliffe. He says that one shouldn’t really “fall” in love, but rather, “fly” in love.
Huh? I thought that was cheesy until I read the whole article and saw how his point made sense in the context of flying and taking flight. Radcliffe says, “So really, it shouldn’t be ‘falling’ in love that we seek out. It should be ‘flying’ in love that we try to achieve. Because it doesn’t take any effort to fall. That’s just the gravity of someone else’s beauty acting on us. And it can only last so long before the crash. And then you resent the person who couldn’t provide a perpetual falling experience.
“So the real goal should be to fly. To continually soar. To stay aloft, and experience the magic of ‘getting somewhere’ together. But flying takes work. Just like relationships. You can’t just lay there. You’ve gotta keep flapping your wings or you’ll sink like a stone. And it’s only by continually trying to spread our wings that we can reach new heights. The trick of course is to find someone else who’s willing to flap their wings, too. Because if they just want you to give them a ride? You can only fly so far.”
Free ride
Which brings me to the subject of those who like going on a free ride, or those who perpetually find themselves enmeshed in toxic relationships. There are many kinds of toxic relationships, and people often find themselves in one, not because they bring it upon themselves but because they are attracted to the same type.
Most of us are wired from childhood to accept the kind of love we get because it feels familiar, and because we don’t know any better. It’s been said that patterns repeat themselves until we finally, painfully, learn the lesson.
Let’s now look at five kinds of toxic relationships.
First, a relationship that feels like a one-way street is toxic. Love is a two-way street, and if it feels like only one person is in charge all of the time, if it feels like you have a collar around your neck and someone is dragging you by a leash, then that relationship is toxic. Love empowers and liberates; it doesn’t imprison or hold anyone hostage.
Another type of toxic relationship is the one that is supposed to make you feel whole or complete you. You don’t need another person to complete you, because that’s something you must be able to do for yourself. However, having your wounds attended to, or attending to another’s wounds, is always soothing to the soul, both for the giver and the receiver.
We always tend to forget that one can only love people and not save them, and sometimes it requires that we love them from afar. Admittedly, though, the reward of seeing the light return to the beloved’s eyes as a result of pouring your unconditional love into the cracks is truly priceless, but you also need to set boundaries so that you are not treated like a doormat or be trampled over. Yes, compassion always requires action, but you must also, first, love yourself. That’s what it means to truly love.
Third, relationships where stonewalling is the name of the game is both unhealthy and terribly toxic for all parties involved. Passive-aggressive behavior or non-verbal aggression is always a relationship killer, and saps the energy of the one on the receiving end, and even of the one giving it.
Safe
When one is truly comfortable in a relationship, there is no need to resort to passive aggressive behavior if the party feels safe in the presence of the other. In a truly healthy relationship, feelings are openly shared and respected without fear of judgment or retaliation.
Fourth, when you feel like you always have to beg for time and attention, assuming of course that you are not the needy or clingy type and that your requests are rational, then that relationship may be qualified as toxic, as well.
Relationships, just like any other living thing, need to be nurtured and cared for. Quality time spent in the presence of the other is a requirement for it to survive. Like a plant, a relationship will wither if it is constantly ignored under the premise of “I’m busy with work” or “it’s so hard to find a common time” or God knows what other reason.
The old folks have a wonderful way of putting it: “Kung gusto, may paraan. Kung ayaw, may dahilan.” So simple and yes so very true, not just in the realm of romantic relationships, but of any other relationship for that matter. You don’t find time, you make time for the things and the people that truly matter.
Finally, get real. Relationships based on idealistic expectations of the other will die an early death. There is no room for “perfection” in any relationship. I’ve had to learn the hard way that the less I expect from people I care about, the happier my relationships with them have been.
Real relationships require lots of work, on a daily basis. Love, when it is real and true, is not based on feelings. It is a choice that one needs to make each and every day, to love the other person, warts and all, to talk through the pain, to say it like it is (but with kindness), and to remain open to all the possibilities that life together can bring.
Email the author at [email protected] Follow her on Twitter @cathybabao.
