DEAR EMILY,

 

I became a widow 10 years ago and was left with four children, all boys.  I got married at 27 after a nine-year relationship with a close friend of my brother’s who was his teammate in basketball.

 

I broke up with this friend after I met my future husband at work.  He was the complete opposite of my then boyfriend as he was a quiet working student who graduated cum laude in college.  He came from a working-class family.  My then boyfriend,  who was wealthy, handsome and very spoiled was also a magnet for beautiful and rich girls, which became the source of our many arguments.

 

My father didn’t approve of my brother’s teammate for me from the start.  He was afraid his rich family would look down on us and discouraged me from marrying him.

 

He said wealth is easily lost but intelligence cannot be stolen.  As we got on,  my father’s advice stayed in my mind.

 

But my husband, though intelligent, wasn’t very ambitious I found out later.

 

He didn’t fight for what was due him at work and soon found himself being overtaken in rank by less worthy men in his company.  All these added up to his stress until he developed all kinds of illnesses that killed him in the end.  He was hospitalized often and, though the company paid part of it,  his last stroke depleted our savings.

 

Three years ago, my old boyfriend who is married to his second wife found a way of getting in touch with me and has been sending innocent text messages, usually inspirational or crazy jokes.  His business has expanded and made him wealthier. He progressed from just calling me on my birthdays and Christmas into frequently.

 

But I never called or texted him first.

 

Recently, he added “I miss you” when he greeted me. I pretended not to hear it and just thanked him for calling. When he called again the next day, he said he meant what he said.  He said that had I not left him for my husband, we’d probably still be together.

 

He said I’ve been the longest relationship he’s had in his life and that he never forgave himself for allowing me to go.

 

I also feel deeply about him, though I just have not encouraged him for obvious reasons.  He has also been sending me flowers and gifts, and visits me when he can; we live at opposite ends of the country. Should I be bothered?  Is there more to this?

 

WONDERING

 

He had a long history with you and has the money to spend for you. Sometimes, gifts are just truly gifts, nothing more, nothing less.

 

But he is also a busy man who is suddenly finding the time after all these years to text and call you.  It may be because you’re the longest relationship in his life, and he needs to talk to someone he trusts completely.

 

There’s something needling his brain, and he needs valuable company while he is pondering the imponderables, like what is happening to his life.    You’ve been available for a while, and he is only being human to be roiling his thoughts on the endless possible scenarios at his fingertips  with you at the forefront of it.

 

It is so easy to make conclusions. But, without passing judgment on your former boyfriend, why can’t he stay married?

 

What is he looking for that is making him almost antsy—as obviously he is now beaming his lights on you?  Could he have been  basing his subsequent relationships on you and somehow couldn’t replicate what you two had?

 

Since he is still married, you cannot and should not do anything at this stage.  Take baby steps on this unfolding tale.

 

He could be looking at you like a dead star—remembering the past like a blazing light but  has really vanished when he goes back to it. Try not to jump the gun and finish the story before it had even evolved. You will just have to wait and see where the flow brings you.  It could blow away like a bubble before you know it. Just enjoy the moment.

 

E-mail [email protected] or [email protected].