Dear Emily,
I’m a 38-year-old with a great career, in a relationship with my boyfriend of 12 years, and we’ve been living together for nine years now. My boyfriend is 39-years-old, also a professional.
We have no kids. Our friends and families want us to get married just to make
it official.
But I like our present arrangement. I’m happy and comfortable being with the man I love without a marriage contract. Recently, my boyfriend surprised me with a diamond ring and asked me to marry him. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children now. I didn’t say yes but I also didn’t say no. I asked for more time to think about it.
I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of changes; I like our relationship as is, and I don’t like to give up my career and freedom. I am an only child, a product of a broken marriage and the idea of having children scares me. I’m not the maternal type, though I don’t hate children. I just don’t want to be a mother. Am I selfish for thinking this way?
Ms. Freedom
Many women today have the exact same thoughts you’re having. Freedom, career—and no kids. Only, your boyfriend clearly wants to start a family with you. He probably feels he’s been tested enough.
Forget the marriage bit if that’s what’s scaring you. Why not allow nature to take its course without the restrictions of modern technology? Do what you and your boyfriend are doing naturally, and if a kid results in that, then fate has prevailed and go from there.
Who says anything about losing your career and freedom? Will he be forbidding you to do those things down the road? He seems to be a good sort of fellow whom you know has loved you enough to make you feel secure, happy and comfortable all these nine years.
You’ve been together longer than most marriages; some have even started to crumble before they’re out of the church door. He’s just aching for his progeny, which is completely a natural human desire.
Don’t be boxed in by labels. They’re just words.
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