This is a story that has loss painted all over the landscape of two very different families
THE JASON IVLER SAGA IS A story of loss on many different levels.

On the one hand, there are the Ebarles, who lost a much beloved only son. Unless you have been through the experience yourself, you will never be able to fathom what it?s like to lose a child.

And then there is the story of Jason Ivler, who has been portrayed in the media in many ways?a devoted son, by his mother; a loving and quiet cousin and nephew; a seemingly ruthless killer. Could he be all of these?

Death wish

One thing that struck me, and perhaps many others, was his seeming death wish? a tattoo on his back signifying his desire to die, and his plaintive cry for death at the moment he was subdued. This much we can see?that Ivler is a deeply troubled young man, that there is pain somewhere, buried deep inside his psyche, that perhaps manifests itself in acts of violence.

The pleasant and quiet Jason Ivler, as his uncle Freddie Aguilar has described him, must have been buried underneath the rubble of some deeply traumatic incident. In his story alone, there are many losses, too.

It was interesting for me to find out that Jason had lost his father early in life. If his mother is to be believed, the elder Ivler had died a violent death in the hands of a professional killer. It was a death Jason did not know about until his early teens.

I wonder now what stories Marlene Aguilar must have shared with her son during those years. Aguilar has also publicly admitted to a slew of interesting and dangerous liaisons with men while Jason was growing up.

Of course, losing a parent early on does not justify what he did, but perhaps there is something there, and in the ?role models? he had, that may give us a key to discovering why he turned out the way he did.

Lifelong impact

In the book, ?The Loss that Is Forever,? which talks about the lifelong impact of the early death of a mother or father, Dr. Maxine Harris describes the ?out of control? adult that sometimes results from losing a parent early in life.

?In the absence of a parental guide, some children find themselves running wild. They do not know how to control impulses or how to moderate their behavior. At first, the lack of a parental boundary feels like exhilarating freedom. For most, however, it quickly becomes overwhelming, and the child feels as if there is no wall to contain his or her self.?

The loss of a parent in childhood becomes a defining moment that often reverberates throughout the child?s life, often all the way to adulthood. Support systems are crucial in helping the child heal from the trauma of loss.

The surviving parent becomes the child?s whole world when a loss has taken place. Suddenly, thrust in a world that is no longer secure and safe, the sole parent becomes the center of the child?s universe, his or her anchor of security. If the child is unable to find safety and security there, where is he left to turn to?

Deeper understanding

I feel very strongly for the Ebarle family. But having been on both sides of the spectrum?losing a much-beloved only son, and also having lost a father very early in life?I try to be more tolerant and understanding of the ghosts that lurk behind the persona.

This is a story that has loss painted all over the landscape of two very different families. A precious life was lost when a young man whose life held such promise was senselessly gunned down.

There are many lessons to be learned here not only about parenting but about having a broader and deeper understanding of each and every person?s history.

Harris speaks on behalf on many of us who knew the loss of a parent early in life: ?To say that one is marked by early loss may sound dramatic and perhaps extreme. Survivors of early loss do not ?look different? from the rest of us. Their loss is invisible and unseen by most of us.?

Harris says majority of the subjects she interviewed have come to love and share their lives with another survivor of early loss.

?It was as if each did indeed bear a mark, perhaps only visible to another survivor, but a mark nonetheless recognizable and clear to one who had been through the same experience. In Ben Hecht?s words, these were all people who had been ?to the edge of the world and looked over its last foot of territory into nothingness.??

Heartwarming movie

On a positive note, the role of positive parenting, unconditional love and support is the theme of ?The Blind Side,? a heartwarming movie that opens in cinemas tomorrow. It is the true story of Michael Oher, a homeless and traumatized boy who became an All-American football player and first round NFL draft because of a family (the Touhys) who believed in him.

In the same manner, Oher?s presence in the Touhys? lives leads them to some insightful self-discoveries of their own. The best real-life stories, they say, are those that read like fiction. Sandra Bullock, who won a Golden Globe and Screen Actors Guild award for her portrayal of the spunky Leigh Ann Touhy, shines in every scene. You?d be applauding at the end of the film, as I was.

?Writing A Silver Lining,? a six-week writing workshop to help one heal from the loss of a loved one through death, illness or broken relationships, will be held starting Feb. 20. E-mail writersstorm@gmail.com.

E-mail the author at cathybabao@gmail.com