DEAR EMILY,

After 18 years of being together (14 years married) and five kids, my husband tells me that he has felt incomplete all these time. He fell in love and, in his words, “never meant for it to happen.”

It happened barely two weeks ago, and he tells me that though this woman turned him down initially, they’re in love now. He claims, they’ve never made love or done anything physical. They’re “just emotionally connected.” He said “it’s not you, it’s me.” How many times have I heard that line spoken to someone else and found it stupid. Said to me, it’s like a stab in my heart.

He tells me he’ll live separately from the family, that we’ll be discreet about the arrangement and that we’ll still do family stuff. He’ll be there during daytime for the kids but by night time, I will be alone in our bed. I should be glad because he’ll go home to me every weekend—when we’ll make love, as he still loves me. He said that is something he still wants and can’t live without. If he can just break his heart into two, he said he would.

I asked him if they’ll stay together. I asked him if they’ll make love eventually, he said he doesn’t know.

She’s separated with a kid. I said, “Tell her to leave us alone! What kind of woman is she that destroys a marriage, a family. If she wasn’t able to make a success of her own marriage, why destroy ours!” He said if I were to blame anyone, it should be just him. To take her out of this.

This is our first problem ever. Why do husbands having affairs go home to their wives? He need not leave me. We can work this out. I told him I can move on from here, fill up the gap he is looking for. I’ve pleaded with him to stay with me. Not an order, but a request. Here’s pathetic me making passionate love to him every night and even morning, hoping he realizes that his real place is with me. That I am his home.

Should I agree to the arrangement he wants? Is it my only option to hold on to him?

Or do I hold back the one thing he wants from me so he’ll miss me and stay? I’ve asked him to make a choice. He said he can’t and just wants everyone to be happy. But I’m already dead.

A2

It hurts like a knife—it sears, it stabs, it leaves you gasping for air—the pain is so bad, you’d even wonder why there’s no blood gushing from your chest. That’s the reality of being abandoned and discarded by a loved one.

But you don’t beg, you don’t plead, you don’t make a whore of yourself just to hold on to him. Do your screaming alone—or with a friend if it helps. Shed some tears if you must—but with your head held high in his presence. Teach him how to carry pain with class and panache. If you can’t make him love you, make him respect you and hold you in awe.

Let him be, let him go, let him free—if you want to keep him. A leash will only make him rebel. Leave his options open by not setting up rules or barricades at home. Make him do as he wishes, no matter the pain—if you really want him to find his way back home.

Alienating him might only push him closer to the other woman. Be very nice, but be distant. Make him realize that while he was making your life hell—you were metamorphosing into an independent, beautiful and elegant woman—despite your anguish.

If you love him so much, show it to him with a vengeance—by loving yourself more. All these will take hard work. As a saying goes, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer. com.ph; Subject: Lifestyle.