How about ?This cage is only a hologram to fool the monkeys?? Let?s see you try to feed them
I JUST CAME BACK FROM PALAWAN, AN island province in the Philippines where you find the country?s top entry to the New 7 Wonders of Nature?the Puerto Princesa Subterranean River National Park.

The river passes through a limestone cave and is navigable. It was truly an experience of a lifetime. However, my muni muni (dreamlike state) was marred by an encounter with dimwits. Let me rewind:

I get carsick, seasick and airsick. I?ve been an armchair reader most of my life, and to embark on a trip that involves many modes of transportation took a lot of effort on my part. However, I could not pass up the opportunity to witness this local wonder in the company of my two BFFs.

I was a motivated woman, so armed with my Bonamine, Vicks, B complex vitamins and Symmetry herbal supplements, I got my bum out of the chair and into a plane from Manila to Puerto Princesa.

From the hotel in the city center, I endured a two-hour car ride on uphill zigzag roads to reach the sea. Then, I had to take a 30-minute boat ride (mildly bumpy but tolerable) to get to an island. Last was a short trek to reach the river and mouth of the cave.

Common sense

During the boat ride, we were warned to not let go of any plastic bags in our possession because monkeys (specifically macaques) will grab them, looking for food. Protecting your mobile phones, cameras and wallets from moisture would be for naught if our co-primates took off with our belongings.

Upon discovering nothing edible, though, the monkeys just dump the stuff anywhere. Park rangers have had to climb trees and comb the park attempting to recover items guests had lost. Better yet, keep those plastic bags out of sight!

Also, I think it is common sense that when a sign says DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS, it?s probably because we shouldn?t. What, do personnel put these up to play reverse psychology tricks on us? A joke a la Candid Camera?

While we waited for our turn to go inside the cave, a Pinay behind me and her Amboy hubby were ooohing and aahing the macaque perched on the tree. Then I saw her take out a chocolate bar! Immediately my hackles rose, but my friend beat me to the punch by declaring in a loud and stern voice befitting her job as IT head in a major Philippine bank: ?PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.?

I, sensing potential danger from a possible catfight, walked away, but not before seconding with a ?Yeah, Mayor Hagedorn will get angry.?

Of course, the couple thought my friend and I were just being cute. After laughing at our warning, they still proceeded with the task at hand. What happened next still sends a chill down my spine.

This brainless couple had chosen to kutchi kutchi koo with the alpha male. It suddenly bared its teeth and gums, let out an angry hiss and clawed the air. Visions of a swarm of rabid macaques jumping out of nowhere to attack us for our flesh flashed vividly in my mind. I think I let out a screech myself.

The park staff admonished the couple. It was good they were at least contrite. They hung around a bit sheepishly, looking at the rest of us. Then they packed up and left. The monkeys followed them...

No flash

Another pet peeve?people who don?t turn off the flash when they take pictures of aquariums. Signs that say ?flash photography may hurt the fish? or ?no flash photography? are most of the time ignored. Aquarium staff go around reciting these like a mantra but, they might as well be speaking Klingon.

Now, some would argue the soundness of the claim that flash photography hurts sea creatures, seeing as none of them have really come forward to complain. Well, having no eyelids, fish can?t blink, so I find it valid they could be startled and stressed by lots of sudden bright lights coming one after the other.

I also think it?s logical that photosensitivity is an issue for our aquatic friends who thrive in deep dark waters. By the way, ?photosensitivity? has nothing to do with being picture-shy. The term means ?sensitive to light.? It?s no different from actors performing live on stage who are momentarily blinded or distracted by flash photography. That is why it?s also not allowed in theaters.

What about the issue of reflection? Light reflects off the glass and you end up having this eerie glow obscuring whatever it was you wanted to immortalize in a photo, anyway. You ruin your shots plus other people?s.

And what?s with the obsession tapping the glass in an attempt to catch the attention of marine life? What do you want them to do, swim up and acknowledge your presence?

Specific

So, I?ve made a decision.

In my world, my signs would be very specific and candid, sometimes whimsical, since many members of our species are several synapses short of making proper neural connections, anyway. A sampling of my ideal zoo signs:

Lion?s den: Don?t feed the lions. It may cost you an arm and a leg ... literally.

Monkey cage: This cage is only a hologram to fool the monkeys. If you let on it isn?t real by reaching in to feed them, they will escape and you will be responsible for the simian flu outbreak.

Any cage: Please feed the animals only gourmet animal food. Regular foodstuff releases the aggression hormone IH8-U that triggers violent behavior. Due to budget cuts, we cannot guarantee our cages and enclosures can hold animals gone wild.

For the aquarium?s shark exhibit: Instead of just saying ?Flash photography scares the shark away,? I will stick fake cracks on the glass window, and my sign will say ?As soon as the recession is over we will replace the glass. Don?t worry, 3M is a proven and tested brand. However, refrain from anything that will incite the shark to do a headbutt?like flash photography or tapping the glass. Thank you.?

Meanwhile, in the seahorse, jellyfish and octopus tanks:

?Flash Photography disrupts mating rituals. You will be held accountable for wiping out these species and your descendants will put these creatures in the same category as wooly mammoths, saber-tooth tigers, pterodactyls and ethical politicians.

Instead of the usual please don?t feed the blah blah blah or calling the ?bayawak? by the harmless sounding ?monitor lizard,? this is how I?d do it:

?Please do not feed the wildlife. The Rhesus Macaques [think disease] and the Komodo Dragon [dragon sounds nastier than lizard] will not be satisfied with the pitiful morsel of food you offer. The city of Palawan and park personnel will not be responsible for the ensuing carnage.?

So, if I were to be granted an audience with Mayor Hagedorn, I?d suggest that semantics might make a difference in disciplining us homo sapiens.