DEAR EMILY,
I have been happily married for 15 years to a wonderful man who is handsome, responsible, and a very loving person. I am only in my late 30s but have achieved so much in life. What more can I ask for? Guess I’m just crazy to put myself in a complicated situation.
Before I met my husband, I was in a long-distance relationship with a Filipino based abroad. I thought he was “the one,” but we ended our relationship without formal closure.
In 2009, I got reconnected with him through Facebook, and found out that he’s already married and has a child. He apologized to me for what happened to us, I forgave him, and we eventually became friends. The constant communication went on for two years.
In 2011, he came home to Manila and apologized to me again, in person. We saw each other a couple of times during his two-week vacation, and things just happened so fast… unexpectedly. We agreed there’ll be no strings attached—no expectations and no demands.
We don’t say “I love you,” celebrate anniversaries, or make any plans for a life together. But we agreed to see each other every two years. When he came home this year, we talked about breaking up, but couldn’t… not at this time. But we both know this can’t go on forever.
We can’t explain our kind of relationship. We can’t call it “love,” as we both love our respective partners. We can’t call it “lust” either as we only see each other every two years. What do you think is this?
—Apple
You want a name for this “thing” you are having? How about “friends with benefits,” to borrow the title of a recent Hollywood movie starring Ashton Kutcher.
You’re proclaiming there’s no love or lust involved, because you both love your respective spouses. Yet you have professed to maintain this ritual, this scheduled sexual encounter every two years!
Truth be told, your case is not unique, nor is it shocking. That exact scenario has already been dramatized in a movie decades ago called “Same Time Next Year” starring Maggie Smith. Your thing with this guy is just a rehash, a repetition of what’s happening between couples who still like each other enough to meet every so often for sex. Yet, they are not that wholly committed to go the whole nine yards to leave or even compromise their happily settled married lives. Nobody is inconvenienced with these dalliances, technically.
These “meetings” look just like a vacation for two people like yourselves, to get over the hump of marital boredom or undefined stress, and enjoy that kick of adrenaline high for a week or two. It’s like having Christmas, or Thanksgiving, twice—every time you meet.
You two will always have fun together because you will never be burdened by the mundane, the unexciting chores of mortgage payments, grocery shopping, or toilet repairs—you know, the minutiae of everyday living. Your only worries are fun-related, like where to meet, what to eat, or what gifts to give each other, a slice of fairy tale every two years.
Enjoy it while you can because life is in constant flux. Affairs, or whatever you call it, have that tendency to cool off. This friendship with benefits is rooted on shifting sands. There’s really not much concrete to support and anchor yourselves in.
E-mail the columnist at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com.