I followed the traditional route to fatherhood by getting married and then siring two beautiful children. When my marriage ended, I ceased to be a husband but remained a father. You never let go of that.
Fatherhood is a challenging, very rewarding, yet terrifying, adventure. But the challenge is bigger for the single father.
Any man who is not living with his children’s mother is a single father. Fathers get divorced.
Unmarried men become fathers, too. Fathers become widowers. Whatever situation made you a single dad, you will experience an emotional weight that you have never encountered before. It will be hard.
Tsunami of feelings
After my marriage broke up, my kids moved to their mother’s place which was closer to their school. Living alone, I was engulfed by a massive tsunami of feelings that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. Some days were good, but many were so bad that I felt useless. If I wanted to still be an effective dad, I had to understand what was going on.
I consulted some experts, read books and papers. I talked to people who had gone experienced what I was going through. I learned that almost all newly single fathers go through similar feelings. There is grief at the loss of the marriage or relationship. But there are other feelings that I experienced and other single dads may have felt these as well:
Relief—Contrary to what people expect, I did not feel the typical sadness after the breakup. Although I did not initiate it, I accepted it for what it was. The relationship had been painful for long, and it was a relief (for both of us?) to get out and breathe. Widowers may feel relief, too, if their sick wife’s suffering is finally ended. But this “nice” feeling doesn’t last long, because a sense of guilt follows.
Guilt—I felt guilty for the discomfort of my kids. Experts advise not to punish ourselves because of guilt. Many men think that they can ease their internal pain by a lifestyle change. Some give up good jobs, sell properties, refuse money-making opportunities. I turned down a few good TV shows during this time.
Paralysis—There was a point when I just stayed in bed. I could not even think properly. I had anxiety attacks. I worried if my ex would keep my kids away from me, and feared whether I could really help them get on with their lives.
Isolation—My house was silent after the breakup. Empty chairs and tables made me feel alone. Most of my friends were couples and I felt like an outsider when I was with them.
Failure—Men are supposed to be strong and in control, but at this stage I felt weak and helpless. A “real man” would have made better choices and should be able to shield his kids from a breakup.
Frustration with others—A lot of people can be very insensitive. People would ask me how my ex was. They would mention that they saw her in some place. Some would even tease about getting back together. They actually thought it was a good joke that would make me smile! They never thought of finding out if it was painful to talk about her. The crazy thing is that a lot of these insensitive people hated talking about their own exes (spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends).
Do’s and don’t’s
But there are things a newly single father can do to handle the situation:
Do not make any major decisions because your emotions will affect your judgement. Do not sell your possessions, move abroad, quit your job or have cosmetic surgery!
Allow yourself to grieve. Grief is a healing process, so you must go through it.
Go out and see people. Newly single fathers tend to drop out socially and then feel lonely. Family and friends want to support you, but most don’t know how to react or to not react.
Simplify your schedule. Do not try to keep yourself busy with work or by going out every night. Take some quiet, alone time. Think and sort things out.
Do not attack your ex. She is the mother of your children and they will be the ones hurt the most.
Be good to yourself. Get into a fitness routine, eat right and get enough sleep. When you’re strong and healthy, you’ll feel a sense of control. Treat yourself to a fancy meal or a good movie. Enjoy being with “you.” Having fun is necessary for recovery.
Be ready to adjust. Holidays, school programs and other events will be different. The kids may not be with you for Christmas. Or you may not celebrate on their actual birthdays. Set your own activities on such days to avoid feeling miserable.
Be patient. Emotions change as time goes by. I actually felt worse about some things a whole year after the breakup. But we get through in the end.
Be open. When people offer to help ease your load, accept right away. They may help you cook, clean or care for your kids. Even if you can do everything, you put a lot of stress on yourself and your kids.
Best therapy
If you really think about it, your children are your best therapy. Maintain your relationship with them. Do not make the mistake of staying away “while you heal.” Therapist Jane Burgess wrote: “Men who have their children readily available to them seem to cope better…”
My own children helped me without knowing it. They kept my mind off the grief. Being with them got me back on track. I rediscovered my self-confidence while taking care of their practical and emotional needs. By still being their dad, I took care of myself.
But if you feel that you have been dwelling with negative emotions for too long, you may need to seek professional help. It is a normal, positive action towards recovery.