DEAR EMILY,
I’m 29 years old, single and will soon be a veterinarian.
I met this guy online, and he’s different from the types I’ve gone out with. He’s outrageously funny and sort of naughty. I like him because he’s fun, streetsmart, and we talk about lots of things. The downside is he’s separated, has two kids, and his marriage has not yet been annulled.
My family expects me to settle down with someone they can be proud of. He’s not earning much, but supports his kids as much as he can. Sometimes I help him out when I can. Though he cannot offer me much, he’s making me happy.
My sister and parents are against him, asking me how I could have gotten this old and settled for this kind of guy. I know they’re correct in this, but when I’m with him, everything seems so right.
We’ve known each other for three months now, and our relationship is getting deeper. I know he loves me, and I’m so into him.
He wants us to be physically intimate now, but I’m not giving in. However, I feel I will ripe for the taking if I keep on seeing him. He says nothing will happen unless I allow him, but until when can I hold off? Letting go of him will mean going back to my old, boring routine, which will doubtless make my parents happy.
I like being with him, and expect more from this relationship. Should I let him go? He cannot afford an annulment, thus I cannot marry him. Or should I just enjoy what we are having now and let this relationship take me wherever it takes me?
CRAZY IN LOVE
What your parents and sister are saying is true—that you “didn’t get this old just to settle for this kind of guy.” It feels like a punch in your gut—but the truth hurts! What they’re actually saying is, sure you’re head over heels with this guy, but is he for the long haul, or are you going to waste your much-vaunted virginity for nothing?
You even joked that you’re “ripe” for “this.” What exactly are you ripe for—sex? Don’t be embarrassed—it’s a natural desire! It’s as organic as drinking water or breathing air!
Is that’s what’s driving you crazy—being giddy about this newfound guy and not being able to do anything about it? Having raging hormones, but being terribly constrained and mentally handcuffed by your parents’ admonitions? A 29-year-old virgin caught in a tug-of-war between conscience and hormones, love and lust on equal footing?
Lovers believe that their happiness will last forever. It doesn’t even matter to you that your boyfriend has no visible source of income at this stage in your relationship. You’d want to brush it aside and think you can live on air and water alone, as long as you two are in love!
So go for it, do it, get it over with and sate your carnal urge—if this will make you rational again, if it will clear your love-logged head, if it will enable you to recover your sanity and put your head back on your shoulders and be the thinking, sensible woman you once were.
Better go for the short-cut right now and satisfy this “hunger,” instead of going through so much misery, it will only fire up your desire for each other and push you to devise some sinister, more devastating plans that could ruin the bright future you have spent time and money preparing for. Better now, before you dig a deeper hole for yourself and regret your mistake till kingdom come.
The do-gooders and the moral brigade will hang me upside down for giving you that advice! To these saints-in-waiting, there’s a line in the Bible I am paraphrasing: “You’ve already sinned just thinking about it!”
When you’re momentarily resting from your raging hormones, find the time to think about your future and ask yourself if you really want your life, which basically is still unlived and untested, mixed up with this guy’s messed-up life. There are the kids to support, an ex-wife who could still be trouble—a cauldron of real headaches in your midst!
How many wizened couples do you know who’d shake their heads musing over their recent pasts, and desperately wishing they could have done things differently?
If you’re clearly ripe for whatever it is you’re thinking, just make sure you have all your senses in sync before you do what it is you’re raring to do. Rein in the anticipation and excitement percolating in you. The deed itself might turn out to be way below your expectations. Just keep an open mind and, good or bad, charge everything to experience.
As your parents have said, you’re old enough to settle into a life of your own choosing.
E-mail [email protected] or [email protected] gmail.com—Subject: Lifestyle.
