Recently, in a clan gathering, I was seated beside a successful businessman. We talked about family matters, a sure topic of interest between fathers like us.
“Wifey” matters seemed easy, been-there-done-that stereotypes, as wifey things go.
It’s the young kids today who pose difficulties, testing the norms of father-and-son relationships. I asked my newfound friend whether he communicates with his son regularly, and he flatly said, “No, he’s the silent type.”
With a hint of resignation in his voice, he added, “My son doesn’t talk much… I guess it’s his nature.”
I talk a lot to my son and my son talks a lot to me, and I do not understand why a father and son don’t talk to each other. So, I said to my friend, “You’ve got to talk to your son. You’ve got to initiate the talk. Otherwise, you’ll miss a lot of fun.”
I began to connect with my son, Nico, the moment he was born by communicating warmth. When he cried at night because he was wet, I did the quick diaper change and carried him in my arms.
There was a way of cradling him to hush his crying. You must bring his fragile body in a soft embrace close to your chest. His head should snuggle near your cheeks, a very comforting feeling for a baby. To communicate care, you sway gently, and pretty soon he’d be asleep again.
Like an adult
As soon as Nico could walk, I took him to Greenbelt to treat him at Pancake House. I pretended he was an adult and treated him like one. I asked the waiter for those Pancake menus with mouth-watering pictures of goodies, one for my son, another for me.
I spent time on the menu trying to figure out what to order while keeping an eye on my son, who was also looking at the menu in fascination. I ordered my pancake by pointing to the menu, then told the waiter to ask what the baby wanted. The baby pointed to the picture in the menu—banana split, wow!
Treating your son out is a surefire way to bond. Food is an interesting topic to discover the wonders of taste, the ingredients and cooking ways that make food delicious. During these treats, discussing anything under the sun constitutes communication on ideas that range from the sublime to the ridiculous.
Over these past 20 years, Nico and I have sat and chatted over burgers, pizzas, pancit Malabon, ramen, and pad Thai to laugh or talk serious.
It’s easy to disarm each other and be honest with our feelings, especially on difficult matters, from sibling rivalry, academic hurdles, courtship, lover’s quarrel, and female unpredictability, all the way to doctrinal matters such as the immorality of prescribing abortifacients to kill or prevent life in the womb.
Real friendship is developed during these consultative moments.
Synergistic with paternal friendship is the idea of supportiveness and coaching. By sheer force of authority and experience, the father is in a position to share knowledge with his son, but avoiding any form of intrusion.
Fathers are natural teachers, coaches and trainers of their sons while they’re growing up, and the chance for the father to perform these roles is always there for the taking—the trick is not to miss them.
I was lucky I was already retired when my son became a striker for his football team back in our Southridge high school days. I was a soccer dad for eight years, bringing a thermos of cold water, extra shirts and socks for my son to most of his soccer games. I also watched on the sidelines, cheering the loudest. This was the simplest way I knew to demonstrate my supportiveness for my son’s goals.
It’s a very enjoyable task. In discussing his game’s strengths and weaknesses, we both learned the value of teamwork, strategy, hard work and courage.
Oral communication
As soon as Nico entered college, I tried to interest him in the importance of excellent oral communication and the thrill of being competitive in his studies and school activities. I inculcated in him the idea of partnering with his teacher, whenever he had difficulties with his subjects.
Sharing the knowledge of my career with my son is a terrific way to share my philosophy of work excellence. Nico finds the formulation strategies for sales presentation and the creative tools of audio-visual production extremely interesting.
He can use some techniques in his debate, oral presentation, and organizational club meetings. In our consultative sessions, I taught him corporate values like building a team and recruiting persons better than him for the success of the organization.
My friendship and connectivity dates with my son have gone a long way since our Pancake days. We now have a terrific appreciation of each other’s viewpoint and judgment on many subjects.
The bond between parents and children is the highest and most noble in the scheme of human existence. All the symbolisms and fecundities of parenthood are wired for the perfection of life and the human race. The mother’s umbilical chord continues to provide sustenance to her beloved child long after she’s gone.
The father as progenitor is equipped with primal masculinity to protect and perpetuate the tenure of his own creations and extensions.
The natural roles of fathers and sons to be the best of friends are a source of unity, love, and happiness between soul mates.
I hope my friend whose son is the quiet one will find ways to open up communication lines. It’s not difficult. He must simply have a genuine interest in his son, and let his paternal intuition take over.
E-mail the author at hgordonez@gmail.com.