DEAR EMILY,
I am 42 years old and married to my second wife for eight years. We have a 7-year-old child.
I met her through a chat site, and ours was a whirlwind romance. She came into my life when my father died and somehow filled that empty space. But things started to unravel when we lived together. Close friends like our late ninang secretly did not approve of our marriage because she foresaw my wife as the “cockeyed” type. Even the priest who married us said she was not a good fit because of her “answers” during the interview portion.
When I came upon the site www.equalityinmarriage.org/dmbeware.html, I saw that our marriage fit all the descriptions of trouble.
Communication is a problem as well as sex. I haven’t slept with her for over a year as I have no desire for her. I can’t kiss her because she does not keep her false teeth on when I want to make love to her. Also, she is overweight and wouldn’t do anything about it.
I’ve tried to compensate for this lack of romance by focusing on her positive aspects, but life with her is difficult with all the criticisms she constantly makes. She insults my mother, she humiliates me in front of friends; she criticizes my lack of the success she wants me to have, she backbites her friends, which then puts her in bad stead with the others. The list goes on and on.
I really want to make this marriage work, but my love for her is eroding. What is stopping me is its would-be effect on our son, and the value of commitment for me. We attend a Christian couples retreat, but there has been no progress. She says I am useless and wants me to change, but she wouldn’t do the same.
We’ve been together eight years, yet I feel I have undergone 20 years of hell with her. Is it really the time to quit? Or should I hang on?
—Frustrated and Desperate
Since there is no third party involved, clearly it’s your chemistry with your wife that has gone awry. How you deal with each other is so acrimonious, it’s a mystery how you are even able to live in the same house everyday.
She is obviously unhappy with her lot, and for good reason, it seems. You haven’t touched her for over a year, and that is enough to make anybody insecure and terribly unloved. No matter if the other half acts like an ogress.
This is the case of the egg or the chick. Which came first—your lack of desire which made her what she is, or vice versa? Your laundry list of grievances toward her is a mouthful.
It is so easy to break up a marriage. But as they say, either you cure it or you endure it. Go away for a while. Have a business trip or a vacation, if you can afford it. Let the stale air between you swirl again and be given a chance to refresh. Absence might make you two appreciate the attraction you had for each other eight years ago.
Since you are committed to this marriage, you can stop its erosion through sheer will. Shut your mind to her unhappy rant, and play deaf and dumb if it need be. Don’t fuel her ire. Allow her to vent as much as she wants. Sooner than later, she may appreciate your unbelievable tolerance of her. Focus on the security of your child and be as nice to your wife as your patience can possibly take.
A line from a movie said: “He who cannot endure the bad, will not live to see the good.” Your wife is only human not to be seduced by kindness. That may be her chance to change for the better.
E-mail emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com.