On Monday evening, my son and I finally caught the feel-good film “She’s the One.”
The main conflict in the movie was how the lead character, portrayed by Bea Alonzo, could “move on” and reinvest in life after experiencing the loss of both her parents and staying stuck in unrequited love.
Two days later, in an interview on grief for Jessica Soho’s “State of the Nation,” I was asked: “What’s the difference between moving on and moving forward?”
I’ve always preferred “moving forward” to “moving on,” for the simple reason that when we say “moving on,” it’s like we do so begrudgingly because we have no choice but to leave everything behind, both the good and the bad.
To choose instead to “move forward” means that we make the choice to bring with us (on a wing and a prayer) what is good and useful from whatever it was that we left behind, or whoever it was that left us. Moving forward allows us to take the memories and tangible things without guilt and without forgetting the love—whether it was a person, or a relationship.
Easier said than done, of course, and the pace with which we navigate the road ahead varies from person to person. However, it always begins with a choice, and there are concrete steps you can take to get moving forward.
Give up being right
First, give up being right. A holier-than-thou attitude has never helped anyone and it certainly won’t help you get out of the rut or sadness you find yourself in. The ability to acknowledge that perhaps you were wrong, too, and that many things are not in your control is truly liberating.
Second, accept what is. The Kubler-Ross model was really designed more for the dying person than for the one in grief. Majority of today’s theoretical frameworks for grief and loss always begin with accepting or recognizing that there is a loss.
Kubler-Ross has denial at the beginning and acceptance in the end. So, unless you are at the end of life, acknowledging that a loss has taken place rather than denying it is your best way out of the darkness.
Third, be proactive, not reactive. Get back into the fray, pick up a new hobby or sport, join a support group, learn a new skill, shop, call a friend. Don’t just sit there and mope. Get moving, literally. The world does not revolve around your misery; it will continue to go on. Write a new chapter and be the hero and not the victim in your story.
Fourth, take time for self-care. I always tell my counselees to be kind and patient with themselves as they begin to move forward. Do something nice for yourself each day. Eat your favorite ice cream (a scoop, not a gallon); go to the spa; spend an extra half-hour in bed (thinking happy thoughts, not moping); spend a day out of town or out of the country, if your pockets can afford it. Do what makes you smile.
Ditch the junk food
Fifth, eat healthy and get enough sleep. Ditch the junk food, try to go vegetarian or vegan for a limited period to cleanse yourself of the toxicity brought about by the sadness or anger trapped in your body. Eight hours of sleep is recommended to fully recharge, and do sleep before midnight.
Taking a vitamin B supplement at bedtime, spraying lavender mist on my pillows and taking a cup of chamomile tea all help me ease into a deep slumber on stressful days. For others, rubbing a soothing balm on the forehead, nape and temples helps, while for some people wearing warm, fuzzy socks to bed does the trick.
Sixth, choose gratitude and love, and the road ahead becomes lighter. The simple wisdom of Dr. Seuss never fails: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Cry in the beginning but don’t drown in your sorrows. No one likes to RSVP for a pity party.
Seventh, pray it all away. Prayer is a two-way street. Talk to God all night long if you must, but take time to listen to Him, too. He sends His answers in many ways and forms; read His word, be discerning. Let Him be your pilot as you begin the journey forward. There is a famous Christian song, “Jesus Take The Wheel.” So let Him, and don’t be a backseat driver.
Eighth, find a cause bigger than yourself that will help you serve the community. You can’t save the whole world, but you can do what you can to help make it a better place. Stop sulking and reach out. There are so many people and areas in the country that need our help—Bohol and Zamboanga, to begin with. Donate, volunteer, spend time doing relief work, help heal wounds, both the seen and the unseen.
The wounded healer (that’s you) has more compassion because you know what it’s like to be in pain. The blessing lies in the discovery that, by helping people rise and rebuild, you suture your spirit and mend your heart as well.
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