DEAR EMILY,

I left my boyfriend of five years and went to work in one of the Asean countries. He’s the type that cannot be pinned down. That’s the reason I was attracted to him and that’s the reason I broke off with him. He was such a challenge that no matter how much I vowed to forget him, he just stayed inside my head and never left. We were very much in love with each other; but when he wouldn’t commit, I just left.

Then I met a Filipino who was working in a bank. He courted me for a while and since he had a pleasant face, a bit funny, and not so stingy; I agreed to marry him within a short time. I wasn’t as in love with him as he was with me. Though my husband and I had two children, my heart and thoughts were always with the boy I left back home. He never married.

Our marriage never warmed. I couldn’t pretend to love him, much as I wanted to. My husband felt this and after a few years, we drifted apart. Our sex life was perfunctory, and later on, he just stopped trying. It was OK with me, because I didn’t have to make excuses anymore. Our conversations were only about the children, and pretty soon, we didn’t even talk any longer.

It was when my husband physically stayed away from home during the week that I got in touch with my old boyfriend. He was excited to hear from me, and from that time on, he started to visit me a few times during the year. We’d text each other the whole day and Skype before going to bed. It’s been going on for five years now, and being a woman in love, I am wondering why he hasn’t proposed or suggested that I go back home. He definitely cannot migrate because of his business. But I can.

It’s no problem for me to get divorced. My husband is now in an open relationship, so I am but in name divorced. I don’t want to force myself or insinuate to my boyfriend to get married, and this is making me very insecure and unloved. I am 47, definitely not a good age to start life anew.

MISTY

Why is marriage such a big deal to you? Haven’t you had enough of it? Aren’t you still in one now? No lessons learned from that? And why the rush? Is there a fire?

Why not savor this moment, this revival with him, a little bit longer. Why go through another rigmarole and burden yourselves with paperwork which may or may not even be able to glue you together for the long haul? Try to get into the rhythm of how you two fit in each other’s vibes and temperament again. Truly survey your emotional landscape and take it from there.

If he honestly is the person you’d want to be with, come back home, find a job here, and see where that leads you. It will boost your standing before his eyes if you prove to him what an independent woman you have become. This might determine the strength and path of your relationship with him. It’s best if you take care of your financial independence—independent from him. You’d have more leverage if you do. A clinging vine is beautiful in a garden—but not in a relationship.

And check your emotional stats. Will you be happy with your decision to come home for good? Can you look yourself in the mirror and proclaim honestly that you will be happy and content here, regardless of whether something or nothing comes out of this love affair?

Be certain with whatever decision you make. You’re not a kid anymore like the first time you two hooked up. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. Both of you have matured, making you two completely different people now, despite your passion for each other. What’s more, there are others involved this time—who are quite vulnerable—and any more changes in their lives may negatively affect them later on.

Life sometimes seems unfair, but it definitely is a never-ending learning process. That’s the way it goes. And like it or not, that’s the way it’s going to be.

E-mail [email protected] or [email protected], Subject: Lifestyle