DEAR EMILY,
My husband and I have been living separately for 18 years, since he left me and had another family, with two children. I did not file any legal separation or marriage annulment, as I knew this would affect my work in a school in our own barangay.
Despite our setup, he still provided me with a comfortable life, while he was free to come to our conjugal house anytime.
We’re both government employees, but last year I decided to retire at age 60. I am now living alone in our house. Our four children are professionals and all working abroad.
I learned that he has provided his other family with more than what I have—properties in Manila and in our province, two expensive vehicles, two maids—and his illegitimate children are studying in exclusive schools in Manila. How can this government employee afford to provide this kind of life to his other family?
Living alone at my age is difficult. I have not gotten over the pain of losing him, and the breakup of my family. My heart is full of hatred every time he comes to our house. I cannot seem to move on. What shall I do, leave our conjugal house? At my age, I’d like to enjoy what’s left of my life.
LONELY WOMAN
He left you when you were just 42—the height probably of your beauty and sexuality? Couldn’t you have dusted yourself off after your fall, gotten up, and, however difficult, forced yourself into starting your life over? It’s been 18 years, and you’re still hurting and hating him and saying you still cannot move on? How can you wish for happiness when you’ve allowed him free board and lodging inside your mind and heart all this time? How masochistic is that?
You’re educated! Why are you acting like a slave to someone who has, long ago, dropped you? “Do not chase people,” one philosopher said. “Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.”
If you don’t do something now while you still can, when do you plan to rearrange your life?
Get a lawyer, should you need help in laying claim to what’s rightfully yours as the legal wife. Assert yourself, and stop behaving like a martyr.
You said you want to enjoy what’s left of your life. Perhaps create a future well beyond your expectations? Take heed from this writer, who said, “There are all kinds of futures. There is a hoped-for future, there is a feared future, there is a predictable future, and there is an unimagined future.” Though time is ticking on you, the great news is, 60 is the new 40. So, take that!
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