DEAR EMILY,

 

I am married and father to a three-year-old toddler. My wife and I are Filipino immigrants in the US. We’ve spent lots of social time and even do overnight visits with several Filipino couples our age who also have toddlers.

 

I thought I was getting along fine with them, until my wife told me that these “friends” perceive me as aloof because I don’t talk much, and advised her to tell me to make an extra effort to be engaging when hanging out with them.

 

I am a bit bothered because I am an introvert by nature and have always had a tendency to be a loner since childhood. Socializing tires me out. I am friendly and civil but they, for the most part, come from very religious, conservative and traditional backgrounds. Their views on politics, homosexuality, religion and minorities in the US are so completely opposite mine.

 

I can’t bring myself to be close to them. I’d rather avoid joining in their conversations that will just cause arguments and expose our differences. So I just keep quiet or talk about things in general.   But in doing so, I become this boring, superficial, aloof person they’re complaining about.

 

My wife likes them and gets along with them, as do our kids. I’d rather not rock the boat, and want to keep the peace as much as possible. I don’t want to deprive my wife of this social circle she can relate to. But I also don’t want my attempt at being genuine and engaging to result in utter disaster.—A Quiet Man

 

The quote, “The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us… when we are silent when we should speak… the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls,” speaks for the predicament you’re in. You are truly between a rock and a hard place.

 

Is this group so narrow-minded “they could see through a keyhole with both eyes,” as one writer said?   Does your wife possess the sensitivity to fathom the type of people she is surrounding herself with? If not, does she respect you enough to open her mind and discover their bigotry, their stifling conservatism, their racist tendencies, to make her avoid them herself? Be wary of having their negative energy seep into her system, and transform her into someone like them.

 

Tell her that these people should be likened to clothes, as a saying goes: fine while they last, but eventually they wear thin or you grow out of them. Try to tolerate whatever issues they purport to discuss—in one ear, out the other. Remember, an empty can is always noisy.

 

E-mail [email protected], [email protected] or [email protected].