Dear Emily,

I am a lesbian and I’ve been involved in a 12-year relationship. It’s been smooth sailing until last summer when my girlfriend had a reunion with old officemates, including her ex. I was the one who encouraged her to go because I trusted her. A month later, I received an e-mail from our common friend saying that my partner and the ex she met in the reunion have been communicating. She didn’t deny it when I confronted her.

They had a bitter breakup after being together for almost two years, but the ex left to work abroad and met another girl there.   She told me she thought she still loved her ex and was overwhelmed with their reunion. Is that really possible or is it just crap?

She said they called each other over the phone a few times, exchanged text messages and e-mails after that reunion.  I asked her what they talked about and she said it was just talking about what had become of their lives after the breakup—their feelings for each other and their relationships with their respective partners.

I didn’t believe my gf when she said their connection just fizzled out four days before I got a whiff of their reconnection.

It’s been four months since their meeting, but I’m still hurting up to this day. We talked about it and decided to give us another chance. She promised she would never communicate with her ex again. She said it has always been me. I believed her. She had always been honest with me until this thing happened.

My problem is I can’t move on. I keep on looking back. I want to be healed. I tried talking to her about my dilemma, but we always end up arguing. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do you think I am overreacting?

–The Lesbian Connection

You felt betrayed, you’re hurt, you’re human—what’s there to make excuses for?

But you’ll have more difficulty moving on if you keep looking back and rehashing and re-living the recent past. If you think the scenes will change just because you play them over and over in your mind, you’re mistaken! They will only keep on rewinding and focusing on your problem and may even have exaggerated scenarios in the re-telling. So, hard as it is, stop it.

Nothing happened. Nobody got abandoned. The phone calls that were made, the text messages that were sent, the e-mails that were exchanged would have been the natural sequence of communication between two former lovers, who though they had separated acrimoniously, and were naturally excited to see each other once more. They shared a life once upon a time. They spent loving moments together besides knowing each other’s quirks, cooking, travelling, arguing, sleeping, moments that turned into days, months, then years.   Wouldn’t you feel the same way meeting an old love?

You’re both at a vulnerable stage—but more so your gf who could be in a reawakening stage. Don’t push her too much with your jealousies. This doubting game is not doing you any good. If she’s worth fighting for, catch her before she slides out of your life any further. It was mostly pride that got your goat.

Remember she didn’t do anything criminal against you. She was just being human.

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