DEAR Emily,
I read your article about the cheating husband who posted pictures on Facebook. I suddenly thought about my own husband; he is 38 and I am 37 years old. We’ve been married eight years and have one child. He was my first boyfriend ever, and I his first girlfriend, for five years.
Since we got married we’ve lived with my in-laws. As such, all my husband’s decisions are consulted with his parents. When we decided to build our own house, I had hoped this project would bring us closer, like we would be choosing materials, looking out for decorations.
But I’ve been left out in the decision-making. It’s become a family project between him and my father-in-law. I have money invested in the house, too, but I am left in the dark. He accused me of not being available when I was needed. He always blames me for anything.
The house was started five months ago and it’s not even half finished. We are now out of funds and he is borrowing money from his parents. I don’t get involved anymore because we always end up arguing.
During my mother’s heart attack, he was so insensitive as to ask why I was crying, instead of just comforting me. Then, when I mentioned contributing money for her hospital bills, he started his litany of expenses like gas, tuition and others. I cannot rely on him. I hate him.
Then, I caught him searching the Net for the name of a girl who had a crush on him in the office. His reason was, he’d like to fantasize about that girl because we don’t have sex now. How can I, I said, when I am angry at him?
He is a good father but he is not a good husband. I want to leave him, but I am in deep financial crisis because of the expenses for my mother and for our house. He may not hurt me physically, but emotionally there is a lot of pain. There is also tension between his folks and me.
I want to start a new life and look for love somewhere. He is reduced to not even a friend in my life. There is no longer any intimacy, no romance, no love between us. We are staying together for the sake of our child. We have become strangers.
I cannot confide in my family. My mother is already comatose and I do not want to add any more to their problem.
ANGEL
It can’t be just the lack of romance that is making your heart want to crawl out to meet someone else. You definitely have issues in this marriage, rough spots that are tangled and overwrought by not having a decent dialogue with your husband.
Marriage is not like hot water you can just spit out because it burned your mouth. Try not to look for another love just because you’re in a rut. Love is not a crutch, or even something to be considered “in lieu of.” That’s an insult to its true meaning.
Have you ever had a meaningful conversation with him? And arguing doesn’t count. Is it your in-laws and their coddling of your husband that are wrecking your marriage? Are you averse at them for not giving you the respect you deserve, being an important contributor to the family coffers?
Does your husband, who seems to be an overgrown cry-baby—running to mom and dad at the first sign of trouble—know how much you resent this?
Identify which is the most troublesome, weed them out one by one before burning them all together in a pyre.
If you want change to happen, try hiding your pride in the bottom drawer, and start with yourself. Tweak your words and actions little by little, positively—and see how they affect gradual change in others.
It’s also said that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You don’t have to be saccharine sweet or do somersaults to do it. Complex problems are oftentimes solved by the most simple acts.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@ gmail.com.