If there is anyone more emotional than the mother about having a new baby in the house, it is probably the couple’s older child or children.
Sometimes, these emotions are positive, such as excitement over the arrival of a sibling. But it is also normal for a child to feel some insecurity, even hostility, toward the unborn baby.
When I was pregnant with my second child, my elder daughter was only 13 months old—which meant she did not quite understand the situation as fully as she does now. Her comprehension was limited to pointing to my belly or the nursery, saying “Hammie” (she could not pronounce Juanmi and inadvertently gave him a new nickname).
But she would also point to other people with protruding abdomens and ask us if “Hammie” was inside them, too!
Acting like a baby, too
We tried to prepare her by talking to her about the baby, using terms she would understand. But it was not until she was about 18 or 19 months and the baby was almost due that things finally clicked in her mind.
We tried talking to her and assuring her of her new position in the family as “ate” to the baby. On good days, she would hang around the nursery and “help” us prepare the clothes and things of her brother.
On not-so-good days, she would realize that a good number of the baby items were actually hers, and insisted on taking them back to her room.
Then there were those two occasions when she broke into tears and actually said she didn’t want the baby to come. But in the hospital, she was all smiles as she said, “Hi, Hammie!” to her baby brother and quickly ran after the nurse to stop her from taking away the baby.
The first few weeks at home went by smoothly, and led me to believe that everything was just fine with my first born—until the day she tried acting like a baby, as well. After that, my husband and I realized we had to change some things.
Bonding
I tried to be as understanding as I could, and even tried to humor her by cradling her like a baby, while Migs made sure to make more time to bring her to the park more—so she wouldn’t be stuck at home, watching me and the baby.
Whenever she was at home with us, I tried to get her to help take care of the baby—by giving me the diaper, or I would give them a bath at the same time so she wouldn’t feel out of place.
Eventually, she found a way to bond and interact with her brother and build a loving relationship.
Four years later, today, they are like two peas in a pod, though just like any relationship between children, there are times when I sound like a broken record as I remind them not to fight.
Now, with a third baby on the way, I’m less concerned about how my kids will adjust. Six-year-old Adriana has been praying for a baby sister even before I got pregnant, while my 4-year-old Juanmi is thrilled at the idea of being “kuya” to a baby brother.
Since he grew up having to deal with a sibling and to share everything from day one, it won’t be such a shock. But just the same, I have been trying to prepare both children for the baby’s arrival, to make the transition easier for everyone. After all, if the kids don’t have a hard time, that means I’ll have one less thing to think about when the sleep-deprived days arrive.
There are different ways to prepare an older child for a new baby, depending on his/her age. For children about a year to 2 years old, you can limit your explanations since they won’t fully understand.
Try to stick to more “concrete” signs such as your growing tummy and the preparations for the baby. Children of all ages enjoy feeling the baby kick in mommy’s tummy, and it also helps make the baby more “real,” not just a topic of conversation.
With older children, get ready to answer all the questions! The most popular, of course, is, “Where does the baby come from?” and “How does he/she get into your tummy?” They may also wonder exactly how the baby will come out.
Try to keep the conversation light, positive and easy while answering their questions so as not to frighten or overwhelm them.
Most books advise against using pregnancy as a reason to not carry a toddler; doing so may cause feelings of resentment in children who are too young to understand.
Preschoolers are more capable of understanding, so you can explain the situation already, and even ask for their help in taking care of the baby by being more gentle and considerate of your pregnant body.
You can also try bringing your child along when you visit friends and family who have tots. This way the child gets used to the idea of his parents holding another child, and he can learn to interact with a new baby.
It is also worth inviting your older child to help you prepare the baby’s things. Chances are, many of the things will probably be those that the older child used, so if he or she is still a toddler, be ready for the child to try to take them back, even if he has long outgrown them.
Sharing
If you start early enough, you can slowly get the idea into your toddler’s mind that the baby will share his/her things so that when he sees the baby actually using them, he won’t freak out as much.
However, a preschooler or older child will be happy to help without any drama. You can also ask them for input on simple things, such as what color of things to buy and where to put some of the baby’s things.
If your new baby and the older sibling will share a room, it would help to give your older child an active role in “redesigning” the room, even if it is just asking opinion on where to move the crib and bed. Young children often get upset at the many changes a new baby brings because they feel like everything is out of their control. But if there are a few things they can decide on, they are more likely to see the experience positively.
There is also the popular practice of giving the older sibling a “gift” from the new baby. We tried the strategy of giving Adriana a “gift” from her new sibling, but she never really connected it to her brother.
Calendar
Nowadays, both my preschoolers have taken a sudden interest in seeing their baby pictures and hearing stories about how they were like as babies.
I am taking full advantage of their interest and trying to use their baby pictures to hype up the idea of having another baby in the house.
At the same time, I remind them of how tiny they were in those photos, so as to manage their expectations on what the new baby will be doing when he arrives.
I tell them of the days when they didn’t do anything but eat and sleep, so they know what to expect when the baby comes.
With older children, you can also try charting together the development of the new baby. Creating a calendar that shows how big a baby should be at this point is both exciting and educational for children who are capable of understanding that level of discussion.
Many people also advised us against any big changes before the baby’s arrival. These can be anything from potty training to moving houses. I understand the logic, but when I had my son, change was unavoidable as we were moving into our new home.
I can’t say if moving homes made the transition more difficult for Adriana, but in hindsight, it seems she adjusted to the baby pretty much the same way as every other older sibling. Sometimes, we underestimate a child’s capacities.
There are many more little things you can do to prepare an older child for a baby’s arrival, but remember that the preparation and changes don’t stop once the baby is born.
It is important to keep track of your older child’s feelings and to nip any resentment in the bud by finding ways to make your older child feel just as loved, despite having less of your attention. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your newborn and still find time to spend with your other child, or children.
And though it will be considerably less, a bit of daily one-on-one time with your older child is better than nothing, and may be just what is needed to adjust to the new family dynamics.
But at the end of the day, if you find yourself truly struggling and even facing feelings of guilt, always remember that a sibling is the best gift you can give your child.
One day, even if you and your husband will no longer be around, siblings can be sure that they will always have company.