Wedding homilies and reception speeches make me recall the vows my husband Jason and I made not so long ago. They make me reflect on how our own marriage has been thus far, and if the pieces of advice offered remain relevant long after the wedding.
Recently we attended a wedding where the groom was 18 years older than the bride. The age gap wasn’t apparent as they looked striking as a couple.
In his homily, the priest tried to explain why the groom took so long to get married: “Kasi wala pa ’yung para sa iyo [Because the one for you wasn’t there yet].”
Popular songs talk about “Somebody for Someone” and “Mr. Right Now” (versus a singular Mr. Right), appealing to both the romantic and the pragmatic.
When I was single, I didn’t think I’d ever get married. I never had those dream-wedding scenarios, thinking them trivial. Religion aside, the idea of signing a contract to be with someone for life based on very limited information, with hardly any exit strategies, was scary. You get swept away by warm, fuzzy feelings and choose to be tied down to someone for life—such a serious decision!
What appealed to me more was a setup in which two people are free to leave any time but choose to be together daily. That would make me feel more secure in the other’s continued presence in my life, and not because he was bound by some contract he signed years ago.
Premarital measures
I told Jason this after our third date, a 10K fun run in the wee hours of the morning. He ran with me though he wasn’t into running. He attended noisy, sweaty rock concerts with me though he preferred Bocelli and Bublé. Typical best-foot-forward male behavior.
He proposed six months later. Despite my earlier misgivings about the sacrament, I accepted. After all, reason is not all there is.
We attended a Discovery Weekend for couples intending to get married though it wasn’t required, and went through a six-month marriage-counseling program, which felt more like a series of trials in patience and tests to see how you’d react when provoked.
An issue that often cropped up was the length of our time together. In the context of advancing age and the stepped-up maturity that comes with it, what is the ideal time, anyway? Is there any guarantee that being together for years translates into a happily-ever-after?
Such premarital measures allowed engaged couples to give more thought to their intentions and have the crucial discussions before the big decision. In reality, after marriage you cannot hold your partner to what he said during these sessions, cry foul, and expect him to deliver in accordance with your service-level agreement. You have to choose to commit despite circumstances changing, health failing and feelings fluctuating.
And so we invited friends and family to join us at the starting line of the greatest endurance event of our lives as we became husband and wife.
During the trying times in our partnership, I have sometimes questioned why we ever got married.
“The Yiddish term is bashert, or ‘intended,’ the person meant for you, who won’t always make you happy and your life together won’t always be easy, but there’s a sense of rightness, of having landed where you’re supposed to be,” explains author Julie Orringer.
Feeling peaceful
When I stood as bridesmaid for my friend Ana, I asked her what made her sure Joe was “the one.” My usually witty, snarky friend’s face softened prettily, as she pondered her answer, and simply said, “He feels like home.”
That confidence is not always definite. Challenges always come to either bring us closer or clarify that we should leave. Some individuals feel peaceful even when relationships obviously still take a lot of work. As Orringer puts it: “Can you remember why you like each other, even when you disagree?”
When we started going out, Jason, in his still-smitten state, told me, “I must have done something really good to have you in my life.”
As incredibly sweet as his declaration of love was, I countered, “I think it’s because we are blessed to have each other in our lives that we have to do good.”
That’s why we had a green wedding, to show our appreciation. That should also be why we need to continue to be the right person for our chosen beloved instead of figuring out if we were dealt a fair hand by fate, if we could “do better,” “got what we deserve,” or wasting time wondering about what-ifs.
Instead of asking — “Am I with the right person?” — when that ship has already sailed, and nothing requiring an annulment is called for, the better line of questioning would be: In good and bad times, who would your spouse rather be? Do you know how to cheer up or console your spouse?
And perhaps concentrating on being The One will rub off on them, too.