Relationships are always tricky terrain.
The demands of daily living, which includes having to deal with the stress of traffic and the trappings of technology, make it an extra challenge to nurture our relationships with spouses, partners, children, friends.
At the end of a long work day, you sometimes just want to decompress by yourself, which is fine, but not at the expense of taking for granted the other people in your life.
You can’t hold hands with or hug your computer. Well, you can, but it won’t hug you back.
Relationships take work, lots of it. Sometimes we need to go back to the basics, to a simpler time to find the ways that can help us sustain and care for the essential relationships we have in our life today.
Here are five ways to keep those relationships happy and healthy.
1. Be fully present.
I know, with the advent of cellular phones, and other forms of mobile technology, that has become so hard to do. However, the best gift that we can give to someone we care for is our undivided attention.
Park those cellular phones and other gadgets when in the presence of a loved one. Mutually agree not to look at your messages for the duration of a date or a night out.
Do not let anything distract you. Do not multitask. Undivided attention is the best gift you can give, and it makes the other party feel truly appreciated, and yes, loved.
2. Say “thanks!”
Express gratitude and appreciation for the people in your life on a regular basis. Sometimes, it is only when we hear of tragic news about a person’s passing that we are reminded about the brevity of life.
We need not wait until the last minute to show or say how much we appreciate someone. Words of appreciation and gratitude, as long as they are sincerely given, are always welcomed by the recipient. Life is always unpredictable.
Like I’ve written in a previous column, never let a moment pass you by. When the moment is right, and you’ll know when it is, do not hesitate to express kindness, appreciation or love, before it is too late. No matter how much someone loves you, never ever take them for granted.
Heat of the moment
3. Honesty
Always be open and honest, but temper it with kindness and keep it between the parties involved. Social media has made it so easy for everyone to rant and rave. Don’t say or post anything in the heat of the moment that you will regret later on.
Discuss the issues in private, thresh it out when you are both calm, and when you can discuss it like two sensible adults. Words can build, but they can break people apart, too.
4. Self-check
Be a force for positivity and good. In a healthy relationship, people become better human beings. Consistently ask yourself that question: How am I making this other person better? Then ask yourself the same question: How have I become a better man/woman because of the relationship that I have with this other person?
5. Say ‘sorry’ if needed
Finally, contrary to what the famous film from the 1970s says, love does mean having to say you’re sorry when you’re wrong.
Own up to your shortcomings, and be quick to apologize when it’s your fault. This takes a lot of humility, especially if you have grown up in a family where pride is the treasured value.
Saying sorry, or a sincere apology, is the glue that binds many lasting relationships. The ability to forgive, and to forgive quickly, and not replaying the grievance (imagined or real) in one’s heart and head, is the best way to heal and to move forward from whatever hurt there is.
6. Caring without the burnout
You cannot give what you do not have, and so it is very important for those who take care of others to also learn how to take care of themselves.
In order to do this, one has to be aware of one’s needs, and this leads to compassion not just for others, but for the self as well.
To be in a relationship and to be loved is a wonderful state to be in, but to love oneself is equally important. The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.
After all, your happiness and well-being do not depend on externals.
I love what Elizabeth Gilbert says: “We are often told that it is selfish to do anything that makes ourselves happy. I disagree. I believe it is a community service to figure out what in this world will elevate you… so that you, in turn, can elevate the world.”
Dr. Honey Carandang is the country’s foremost child and family psychologist who has been caring for families and children in her clinical practice for more than 40 years now.
On July 19 she will give a talk on the art of self-care while caring for others at the Chung-Te auditorium of Ateneo School of Medicine and Public Health, 9 a.m.-12 noon.
Call Jaymee at 0916-6821437 or Christine of PsychConsult at 4212469.
E-mail the author at storiesbykate@gmail.com Follow her on Twitter @cathybabao.