My son took his own life seven years ago. He was 36.
My family is depressive. Usually if you’re very creative, involved in the mind, you get depressed. I get depressed, but I manage it by gardening, by doing something totally different from my work.
I used to take Valium. But medicines could also turn your mind for the worse, and that makes you want to commit suicide. I took 36 Valiums at one time because I wanted to commit suicide.
I was just starting my career and there were too many pressures. When you do it, you’re conscious. You do it because you’ve had enough and it’s an instant decision.
It’s an overwhelming emotion. If someone had been there and talked to Robin Williams, he probably wouldn’t have done it.
But there’s nothing really anyone can do because you’re not God. If you really want to do it, you will.
When my son did that, I blamed myself. And he just had a baby, who was, I think, a year old at the time. He had marital problems.
I met a guru who taught me how to get energy from the trees. You can’t stop it. If it’s your time, it’s your time. If it’s not, somebody’s going to help you.
I find life interesting now. I never go backward. I’m just enjoying myself. You can be physically busy and your mind is still dark. Different people have different ways of coping. For me, no more medicines, because you become vicious.
In the morning you say, I’ll take one Valium because I’ll encounter all these problems. It will help me cope. And the years will go by and it will change the chemicals in your brain. At one time I wanted to throw a pair of scissors at my girl, really with the intention to hurt her.
Matibay ako. When I took 36 Valiums, I slept sitting up on the sofa and woke up at 4 p.m. Nobody found me. I went to work, I was like lasing. If your family member or someone you know is suddenly very quiet or is sleeping all the time, mag-knock ka na sa room. That’s one of the symptoms. My son suffered from lack of sleep.