Parenting is a daunting duty. It’s the job without set hours or days off, and it doesn’t come with any real training or manual. As parents, we set out to raise our children as best we can, equipped with whatever resources life has blessed us with. Yet, no matter what circumstances we are in, all parents ask themselves: What do I want for my kids?
My husband Luigi and I have brought four (all biases aside) amazing children into the world. We aren’t consciously trying to raise any future presidents, IT wizards or sports legends. Our dreams for them are broad yet simple. We want each of them to find success and happiness in their lives.
But more importantly, when success and happiness appear to be in short supply, we hope that they will have the capacity to pick themselves up, take responsibility and face their challenges proactively.
In my mind, spiritual children are those who are able to do just that. They understand that growth comes only from challenges, that in any given situation they have a choice regarding how they will respond, and that sharing their skills and talents is an honorable thing.
As a student of Kabbalistic wisdom, I use what I have learned and apply a great deal of it to my parenting. Although my husband does not study Kabbalah and we often have differing opinions on how to handle things, our general approach is the same. My parenting is hardly perfect, but I do feel that it has more direction and purpose than it would have, compared to not using this profound yet practical wisdom in raising my kids.
Like a game
Raising spiritual kids means empowering them. It’s not about making good decisions for them. It’s about teaching them how to make the best decisions on their own so they can make the best of their abilities—now and when we’re no longer around.
It is said that true spirituality is always simple—so simple that even a child can understand it. So I tell my kids that life is like a game. It has rules. And one of my favorites—because it is so easy to explain—is that we get what we give.
During his first year in big school, my six-year-old son, Mikel, would come home with bruises and scratches. He said it was because he would get pushed a lot when he was playing with his friends. He wasn’t being bullied, but he would play with the rough boys and would consequently get hurt.
As I wondered why this was happening, I observed that Mikel had a penchant for physically pushing his four-year-old sister around. They wouldn’t necessarily be fighting, but he would just push her a lot—sometimes to the ground.
I pointed this out to him. I said, “I think I know why the boys in school push you so much. It’s because you push Raquel almost every time you play together. Whatever we do to someone, other people will do to us. I think maybe if you stop pushing Raquel, your friends at school will stop pushing you, too.”
I asked him if he wanted to try it. He said yes; and then he stopped coming home with bruises and scratches. It was a powerful lesson for him because it showed that he had the power to change a difficult situation, and that he needed to show greater love and care for his little sister.
Another powerful principle is that of earning our blessings. We may not realize it, but everyone inherently wants to earn the things they desire in life.
The things that we have worked hardest for and invested the most energy in are the ones we treasure the most. No one buys ready-made jigsaw puzzles. We all want the challenge and thrill of putting together the completed product. This is a good thing to tell kids (and ourselves) when they want things to come easily.
Pricey
My eldest, 11-year-old Rocio, is passionate about photography. She has a natural gift, but understands that she has a long way to go in honing her craft. She also knows that her craft requires some rather pricey equipment.
Now Luigi is the spoiler between the two of us. His warm, generous nature as a Leo is to give our kids everything they want for as long as we can afford it. However, we agreed that although we could buy Rocio the new camera lens that she wants, we’d rather empower her by giving her the space to earn it on her own.
So, with saved-up birthday money and extra cash that she earned shooting a fashion editorial and launch event, she is just a few thousands of pesos shy of attaining her goal. Part of us just wants to get her the lens already, but by holding back, Rocio will experience the excitement and fulfillment of working for something on her own, as well as true appreciation for that lens.
Mahatma Gandhi said that we should be the change we want to see in the world. We can take this further and say that we need to be the change we want to see in our children. If there’s something in my own kids’ behavior that I don’t like, I need to change it in myself first; otherwise, I’d just be telling them to do as I say, and not as I do.
I noticed that when Rocio was 5 years old, she would sometimes speak to people in a way that wasn’t very nice. I realized then that I needed to check the way that I spoke to people—everyone from my husband to my helpers to people at work, and of course to my kids.
Even though I told my daughter that we should speak to everyone kindly, I myself had to speak to others with more kindness and respect before she was able to do the same. And as it can be challenging to speak nicely all day every day, whenever my kids speak with a lack of respect, it calls my attention to how I’ve been using my words.
Just about everything I have mentioned here, I learned from Spirituality For Kids. SFK (www.spiritualityforkids.com) is an award-winning, free online resource for parents and teachers that uses a variety of approaches to teach kids universal spiritual principles, and how to apply them in their daily lives. The SFK curriculum has been taught to thousands of children of different backgrounds from all over the world.
Kabbalah Centre Philippines volunteers have been teaching SFK since 2012, and recently brought it to the less fortunate kids of the Virlanie Foundation.
Kabbalah Centre Philippines conducts SFK courses for children, parents, schools and communities. For more information, e-mail philippines@kabbalah.com.
Ria Tanjuatco Trillo is the host of “Shop Talk” on ANC; she’s also a licensed real estate broker and a Kabbalah Centre volunteer. She is married to PBA coach Luigi Trillo. Their four children are Rocio, Mikel, Raquel and Xabier.