SAN ANTONIO, Texas—Home. That’s what it feels like every year when I hie off to my annual grief conference and find myself immersed in the teachings of some of the leading lights of dealing with grief and bereavement.
It’s not an easy path to take, this “business,” if you can call it that, of attending to people who have experienced a major, life-changing loss, such as the death of a loved one, or people who find themselves in a period of transition.
Loss is a universal experience, and at some point or another, we will encounter it either as a personal experience, or through a friend or loved one. Wondering what to say, or how to respond when one is on the receiving end of sad or bad news, is often an awkward or puzzling situation. One must show not just sympathy, but empathy and a huge dose of compassion as well.
When you are the recipient of sad or bad news, here are some ways you can react with genuine compassion and care.
Angel on your shoulder
“You are in my thoughts and prayers.” Knowing that someone has heard you, understands your situation and has committed to praying for you can be very comforting. It’s been said that every prayer that is verbalized and promised is like sending an angel to sit on the shoulder of the one being thought about and prayed for. When you think about that image, immediately a feeling of calm will sweep over you, knowing that you are covered in grace and much prayer by so many people.
“Thank you for sharing your story with me.” Giving people the space to share their story without any fear of judgment is truly healing. Allowing them that sacred space to share their sorrows and showing appreciation for it is very comforting to the person who is undergoing the challenge.
More often than not, rather than being presented with a solution, most people who are encountering difficulties or losses find rest in being listened to attentively, and by being allowed to share honestly and from the heart what they are currently going through.
“I’m coming to see you, please let me know what you need.” The physical presence of a friend with a helping hand is invaluable during a time of crisis. It’s not always easy to ask for help because we don’t want to impose on other people, so when the offer of actual help comes, it’s always grace. And don’t be shy to accept the offer; a difficult time can be very draining physically and emotionally. Take your friend’s offer to help and be grateful for it.
“You are strong, and you will get through this.” Positive affirmations are a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. Remind the person who is undergoing the crisis about his/her strengths. A compassionate friend, it has been said, is someone who can sing the words of the song back to you, when your heart has forgotten the lyrics.
“Take it a day at a time.” In crisis, the road ahead can be daunting and overwhelming. It helps to be reminded that everything need not be faced in one day, that tasks can be broken up into smaller pieces.
“I’m here for you.” Four very powerful words that are like a balm to an aching heart. A word of caution, though—say this only if you mean it and are able to carry through.
Self-care
My favorite author Anne Lamott recently turned 61, and she wrote about 10 things that she knew to be true. It was quite an impressive and inspiring list, more so for women who like to give and and give and give until there is nothing left. Two of the items she wrote on the list resonated very deeply with me.
First she said, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” And that’s exactly what I’ve done whenever I go away for short or long periods by myself. I know that it’s difficult to do this when you are a young mother, but all the more is it essential to your sanity and to that of the rest of your family. “If momma ain’t happy, nobody else is happy.” Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too, no matter what age you are in.
Which brings me to Anne’s second point: “Everyone is screwed up, broken, clingy and scared, even the people who seem to have it more or less together. They are much more like you than you would believe. So try not to compare your insides to their outsides. Also, you can’t save, fix or rescue any of them, or get any of them sober. But radical self-care is quantum, and radiates out into the atmosphere, like a little fresh air. It is a huge gift to the world. When people respond by saying, ‘Well, isn’t she full of herself,’ smile obliquely, like Mona Lisa, and make both of you a nice cup of tea.”
Reading this, I was reminded of a bit of wisdom that was shared with me a year ago: “You cannot save people, you can only love them.” And more often than not, in order to keep the peace, there are certain situations where you’ll need to love them from afar.
Loving, serving, forgiving can take a lot out of you. It can literally sap your spirit and drain your life force. So, if you haven’t done any self-care lately, by all means, go ahead and do it. Unplug. Brew yourself a nice pot of tea, savor it, and then plough back in.
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