DEAR Emily,
I have a serious problem. My wife doesn’t want to make love with me. We haven’t done it for nearly a year, and I am really frustrated.
I have talked to her about it, calmly, but she tells me she simply doesn’t want it because I don’t turn her on anymore. It’s not that she doesn’t want to get herself pregnant, either, because she’s on the pill, and it’s not even about another person. I can swear she really loves me.
I’m in my early 30s, 5’9,” quite athletic, and good-looking enough to get modeling gigs every now and then. Despite these attributes, my wife seems blind to how people look at me.
Friends tell me it shouldn’t be a problem if I really love her. It’s like saying you don’t need money, time and space, religion, compatibility—if you really love somebody. That’s a lot of bull!
If I can just tell myself not to be turned on by her, I will. But every night I end up in the bathroom really frustrated. All that makes me feel bad. She simply doesn’t want it. I’ve tried different approaches, different stimulants to turn her on, but all to no avail. I don’t know what to do.
She’s the only person I’ve loved this much. It has been the cause of several fights, sleepless nights for me and bitterness on my part. I’ve been told to play around with other girls to quench my sexual thirst, but no, I really love my wife, and I don’t want to do it if not with her.
—FRUSTRATED
What you’re doing is quite commendable—not looking outside your marriage for playmates—considering how many men would jump ship at the slightest provocation or disappointment.
Goodness gracious, where have all your wife’s sexual urges gone? How was she while you were dating? Was she always like this? If so, did you think she’d improve with marriage? If not, she must have discovered something that is making her stay away from you.
There’s very little that cannot be solved by good communication. Lay bare your soul to her. Make her understand and believe how much you love her. Court her ardently again, if you want to walk your talk.
And instead of going to bed, go on dates with her. Make her feel young again. Bring her to movies or short out-of-town trips. Melt her heart with kindness.
Do all these with utmost patience. Unless she thinks she made a mistake marrying you, she might again learn to love you like the first time.
Watch how a wild horse is tamed. When it proves difficult, the tamer goes away from it and ignores it completely. In a little while, the wild horse notices how it is ignored and, on its own, makes the move to follow the tamer.
Same goes for a butterfly. The more you run after it, the more it eludes you. Stay still and it will perch on your shoulder, quietly.
Get to the bottom of her problem. No matter how thin you slice an apple, there’ll always be two sides to it. It would be nice to hear her side of the story. There may be more to it than you can imagine.
E-mail the columnist: emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph, or emarcelo629@gmail.com