I help people transition—not just your ordinary kind of passage, but more like crossing over to the eternal, where there is no end.
It’s not something I imagined I would be doing. I didn’t think I would have the courage for it. But the things I have encountered in preparing other people for a good death are some of the most important lessons I have learned in my life.
Judy MacDonald Johnston, who writes children’s books by day, and helps prepare people for a good exit, has this to say: “What I’ve learned is that if we put some time to planning our end of life, we have the best chance of maintaining our quality of life.”
We’re always thinking about living well, which is good. But when you get to a certain point or find yourself in circumstances that merit the discussion of how to die well, it’s useless to keep setting aside that conversation. You owe it to yourself, and you owe it to your family as well.
Guidelines
Johnston shares five practical guidelines that help us navigate the road to leaving this world well.
First she says, it starts with a plan. Of course you don’t always have that choice, but while you are still able to, it’s good to articulate to your children how and where you want to go. My children and I were having this conversation a few weeks ago and although it “weirded” them out that I was talking about it over Sunday lunch, I thought it was best that they would know some details that, for me, were nonnegotiables.
A plan involves answering such basic questions as whether you want to die in the hospital or at home; who will make the decisions for you; what you want in terms of medical intervention; who will ensure that your plan is followed…
Knowing the answers now diffuses what can sometimes be great tension among family members when the end of a loved one is near. If you really love them, spare them from that difficult situation.
Next, MacDonald says you will need advocates. Sometimes it’s best to have other trusted people outside of your child, parent or spouse to advocate for what you want. Write it down if you wish and leave those wishes with a trusted friend. Family members are often under great stress and duress during a time of transition, thus, it will help greatly to have someone else who is trusted, and respected, and who can look at the situation objectively to step in.
Medical history
Hospital readiness, MacDonald stresses, is critical. “Have all your papers, including your medical history stored in a bright envelope in a place where it can be easily found.” Make an extra copy or two, for a family member or whoever you have designated will advocate for you in a time of emergency or major illness.
Caregivers are a must. Please don’t place the burden on just one person. That would be very unfair and too much for anyone to bear. At the very least, there needs to be an alternate. Your financial situation will dictate how many caregivers you can afford, but this is something you need to plan for as well. I’ve heard too many sad stories of healthy spouses or children even, going ahead of the family member who was critically ill, all because there was no one else who could take turns doing the care-giving.
Lastly, MacDonald talks about the importance of last words. What do you want to hear? And who do you want to hear it from?
Comforting words
In my experience with people who are about to transition, they want a lot of reassurance—the assurance that those whom they are leaving behind will be all right, and that the things or plans they leave behind will be taken care of. It’s also very important for family members to say they are at peace with whatever happens.
Often the person who is at the end of life will hang on simply because they can see that family and friends are not ready to let go. How many times have I heard the phrase, “I’m tired and I want to go but they aren’t quite ready yet…”
Use the time to say all that needs to be said, in love and in kindness. Not everyone is blessed to be given the time and the chance to say a proper goodbye.
There is so much grace and wisdom we can pick up from those who are close to the end of their days. Many leave this world without the opportunity to say goodbye and that is an entirely different grief and story altogether. I always tell those for whom time has been given to be in each moment that they can with their loved one. The next hour, the next day is never guaranteed, only the present moment is. We must use these moments well.
E-mail the author at storiesbykate@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @cathybabao