My husband should be given the Most Friendly Award. Our marriage is made up of his friends he sees and drinks with almost every day. While I drink as well, which was how we started dating, I learned to lessen it due to the demands of marriage. But when we go out for dinner, he would still see friends afterwards, and that makes me feel I’m never enough for him.
We don’t have vicious fights in front of the kids, and I don’t badmouth him despite his drinking. I don’t nag but just ignore him when he goes overboard.
This scenario has pretty much covered the 18 years and many attempts of separation from me, including working abroad for two years. But I’m still here, obviously because I still love him.
He finds faults everywhere and is blind to his. He says he’s trying to change, and it would take baby steps for him to achieve this.
Recently, after a serious argument, I learned from his friends that he’s tired and is planning to take his own life. He is saying there is life insurance anyway, so we, his family, will be fine.
Fifteen years ago, his father passed away and the family believe it was suicide. I do not want him to end his life in this gruesome way.
I don’t know if he’s depressed or if there is emptiness he’s seeking to fill up. He is actually a good and generous person who provides for his family. There were good times, too, in our relationship, and life has been good.
I feel guilty about it. Was I too distrustful and too focused on his mistakes? He has outlets already for venting— his friends, his drinking, he smokes weed occasionally— what more can he ask for?
I don’t want him to commit suicide, but I can’t assure him we will no longer argue while we’re together.
VENUS
Excuse me, but last I heard, only our Creator has the last say on everyone’s due date with Him. Only He has the power to call out our number.
Your husband can drink himself under the table, hang himself till the rope breaks, hug the nose of a speeding train— but he can never turn himself into compost before his time, much as he would want to. Never, ever!
Why feel guilty for his dramatic intentions when neither he nor you can have any say on the matter?
So he drinks and is out constantly with his friends, and that gets your goat. What’s happening to your marriage is just the everyday wear and tear between two people who have been living together for a long time. Nothing extraordinary about it.
Your husband clearly is behaving like a little boy who has difficulty growing up, yearns for attention, and is throwing tantrums because he is bored and sees no direction in his life.
Why doesn’t he take up a hobby —like be the fastest Rubik’s cube player, or repair cars, or take up gardening and watch the miracles of nature unfold before his eyes? Anything useful and productive to occupy his vacant mind.
You can also slowly start having more meaningful conversations with him. Or go out of town. Watch movies. Start dancing. Find a way to recalibrate your marriage. As well, hold your tongue and refrain from visiting the same old volatile topics.
You may think you’re not being a nag and don’t consciously badmouth him, but your disapproval of him is clearly expressed in your body language and speaking volumes to him! Men can be sensitive, too, despite appearing nonchalant. Ever tried being kind to him lately?
If you believe your father-in-law committed suicide, rest assured his number was up that day. He could have choked on his food or gotten run over by a wayward car—any excuse was already set in motion for him to meet his fate.
Remember, too, that successful suicides don’t issue press releases. They’re done quietly and quickly, lest anyone gets wind of it and thwarts the plan.
Remind your husband of the admonition, “Be careful of what you pray for—as you just might get it.”
E-mail the columnist: emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com.