Last week, I was quite shocked when my 5-year-old son came home from school with what looked like a black eye. Initially, I assumed he had an altercation of some sort with another child, or worse, was a victim of bullying. Much to my relief, it turned out to be an innocent accident, typical of 5-year-old boys.

However, the incident got me thinking about bullying. Much has been said about preventing bullying and dealing with it, but sometimes, parents don’t even realize that their children are already being bullied—especially, if the child is particularly good at keeping up pretenses or nobody is around to notice little giveaway details.

Most of the time, people only look for physical telltale signs such as bruises and cuts, but the real signs to look out for are those that have no actual physical manifestations. Bullying is not limited to being physically hurt by a peer. Peer abuse can take many forms, such as the taking of one’s property, embarrassing the child in front of others or emotional abuse through mental games or malicious words.

Never just an accident

Bullying is never an “accident” or a one-time incident. It is always intentional. A bully may say that they are just having “fun,” but no matter what they say, it will always be mean-spirited in nature.

Bullying is nothing new. I’m sure that since the beginning of time, children have always been exposed to peers who were less than sensitive in their words and actions. However, reports confirm that bullying now has reached critical levels in terms of viciousness, and the age at which it starts.

Research shows that bullying starts at a younger age, with the bullies becoming crueler and more aggressive as they get older. Whereas once, victims could simply shrug off the attacks, nowadays victims are going as far as taking their own lives.

Troubling reality

To ensure that bullies do not hurt our children, we often tell them to immediately tell us, or a teacher, if someone is victimizing them. However, the sad fact is that many children keep their pain to themselves and refrain from reaching out to their parents or a responsible adult for several reasons.

Some of the more common reasons are the fear of embarrassment or the assumption that nobody will believe them. Many children also fear that their parents, or the responsible adult, will make the situation worse by interfering and thereby further angering the bully and possibly making the bullying worse in the future. There is also the feeling of hopelessness in the situation, with the child thinking there is nothing anyone can do to change things. This is a troubling reality that many children face today.

Left unchecked, a child may suffer from emotional trauma which can lead to long-term consequences on his or her mental health such as depression, low self-esteem, aggression and anxiety.

It is therefore necessary for parents to always be observant and alert to any signs that their child may be suffering from bullying because in general, its nature involves a power imbalance. If it is necessary for the victim to have a parent in his corner in order to restore the balance, then so be it.

‘Warning’ signs

No two children are alike, but there are several general signs we can look out for to indicate that a child may be suffering from bullying. Here is a list of “possible warning” signs taken from the website www.character.org.

1. Unexplained physical marks, cuts, bruises and scrapes
2. Unexplained loss of toys, school supplies, clothing, lunches, or money
3. Clothes, toys, books, electronic items are damaged or missing/child reports mysteriously “losing” possessions
4. Doesn’t want to go to school or other activities with peers
5. Afraid of riding the school bus
6. Afraid to be left alone: wants you there at dismissal, suddenly clingy
7. Suddenly sullen, withdrawn, evasive; remarks about feeling lonely
8. Marked change in typical behavior or personality
9. Appears sad, moody, angry, anxious or depressed and that mood lasts with no known cause
10. Physical complaints; headaches, stomach aches, frequent visits to the school nurse’s office
11. Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, cries self to sleep, bed wetting
12. Change in eating habits
13. Begins bullying siblings or younger kids. (Bullied children can sometimes flip their role and become the bully.)
14. Waits to get home to use the bathroom. (School and park bathrooms, because they are often not adult-supervised, can be hotspots for bullying.)
15. Suddenly has fewer friends or doesn’t want to be with the “regular group”
16. Ravenous when he comes home. (Bullies can use extortion, stealing a victim’s lunch money or lunch.)
17. Sudden and significant drop in grades. (Bullying can cause a child to have difficulty focusing and concentrating.)
18. Blames self for problems; feels “not good enough”
19. Talks about feeling helpless or about suicide; runs away
20. Desperately wants to transfer to another school
Watch for atypical behavior

A child may also exhibit behavior that is not in this list. What is important is to observe for behavior that is “not typical for your child.”

If you notice that your child is exhibiting signs but has not opened up to you, the website recommends asking direct questions rather than trying to be subtle.

Subtleness may lead to vague responses but a direct question, which can only be answered with a specific answer, may allow you an insight into the child’s thoughts even if he or she doesn’t answer due to the nonverbal cues such as silence, fidgeting, delay in response or an overly defensive response. Even if your child does not open up to you, if you suspect that he/she is suffering, offer your support and let them know that you are always available for them, whenever they are ready.

If they still refuse to discuss their predicament with you, do not hesitate to enlist the help of a trusted and responsible adult such as a teacher, counselor or other members of your family. Bullying is an issue that should not be taken lightly. Children deserve to have a childhood that is free from the cruelty and fear that bullying brings.