A falling-out in any relationship can be a harrowing experience. It involves agonized wondering, thinking painful thoughts, asking questions and getting no answers.
To avoid the aggravation, you try to play it safe. Instead of confronting the issue, you isolate yourself, putting distance between you and the “offender,” all the while pretending nothing is wrong.
The rift grows. But we are too hurt or too proud to find out why we feel so suddenly disconnected.
If there are clues, these are usually veiled and unclear. We try to recall hints, perhaps casually dropped; evasive answers, maybe a sudden coldness, or a tone of voice that could have warned that something was amiss. Of course we are only guessing.
We spend sleepless nights trying to analyze what went wrong— what made someone who used to be our friend, confidante, and the repository of our trust and affection suddenly turn against us.
More often than not it starts with a petty misunderstanding. “Un malentendido,” the Spanish would say. Maybe a call or text was not promptly or eagerly returned. Did you forget an important date? Was it something she said? When you trusted someone else with a confidence, did she feel betrayed?
As we sit and stew and lick our wounds, we may want to consider that maybe we started this whole situation. Could it be our fault? Was the cold shoulder perhaps our own? Why is it that we think only of the offense against us, and not about what we may have done?
Playing victim
And so we play the victim and allow resentment and bitterness to take root. We push away any good thing that ever existed in our now failing relationship, and instead of working toward peace we embark on a “two can play the same game” scenario. We put “silent treatment” into gear. There’s more hurt.
Next we toss our lovely memories aside like rubbish. We declare war and nobody rises above the fray. We zero in on flaws, betray confidences and engage in a shallow battle for revenge. It gets ugly. There is no pretty or painless way to end a relationship.
In the words of Dr. Samuel Johnson, English writer poet, essayist, “To let friendship die away by negligence and silence is certainly not wise. It is voluntarily to throw away one of the greatest comforts of this weary pilgrimage.”
If you are the type who prefers to know the naked truth, you may decide to bravely confront your soon-to-be ex-friend. Your doubts will be dealt with, and finally it will end, either in joyful reconciliation or a bitter break. But at least you know it’s over. It is a quick stab. The knife is sharp and the wound is clean—unless, of course, someone decides to turn the knife.
But if you would rather pass up that nerve-wracking face-to-face routine for something less aggressive, less personal, then Facebook is perfect for you. It is simple, precise and leaves no evidence.
All you have to do is hit the “unfriend” button and you have annihilated the culprit who magically disappears into cyberspace without a trace.
I suppose that it is a lot easier than telling someone off to his or her face. It is faster. There is no explaining to do. It leaves no room for questions, no time for tears.
But it is also the coward’s way. Without a warning he cuts you off, leaving you no chance of a defense or an appeal. Click! A friendship ends. Ouch!
I think that I would choose to confront the adversary rather than turn my back. But to each his own. The truth is that no matter how it is done or who takes the first step, when a relationship dies, there is anguish and a deep sense of loss.
After the loving
How much worse is it at the end of a love affair, or a marriage, when you realize that the time blissfully spent with a partner, a spouse or lover is over?
A very dear friend, whose lifetime partner walked out on her after a long and beautiful relationship, describes it as “the most excruciatingly painful experience of my life.”
“It came without warning. What did it feel like? It was like being kicked in the gut by a giant, like my skin was being peeled off. Like I imploded. I thought I was dying. I couldn’t breathe. I was also desperately angry. But the tears would not come. That was the worst part of it. I could not cry.”
There was no goodbye, no apology. His excuse? “It just happened.”
They say that “the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.” My friend totally agrees.
In time broken hearts mend. Healing a broken life takes longer. By the grace of God, it comes. But first you must forgive. It is a decision, an act of the will.
After a while, it really matters very little whose fault it was. And we can’t, like Romeo and Juliet, blame it on our stars. It is what it is.
We live and learn. Sometimes I wish we would learn first and then live. Whatever.
It took many years for my friend to heal. And she has. Beautifully!
But one dark and stormy night not too long ago, as we listened to music, I heard her say, “Sometimes, when I am alone with my thoughts, the memories still take my breath away.”