DEAR Emily,
I have been a senior citizen for seven years now, and married since 1968 to the best girl who gave me four intelligent and wonderful children. She is the proverbial “beauty and brains”; we eloped to avoid her family’s Chinese tradition of a prearranged marriage.
But through high school and college, my genuine inspiration was a beautiful and sweet girl two years my senior, who I was determined to marry. But I got so engrossed in my studies, I failed to have the courage to court her despite her having an inkling of my feelings, as well as most of my friends knowing how I felt for her.
Then, I had this unexpected marriage, falling madly in love with a woman who eventually became my wife.
I accidentally met this secret love of mine two years into my marriage and found out she herself had gotten married as well. For reasons I couldn’t explain, I felt this inner hurt seeing her with someone else.
I would also pass by our old neighborhood where she still lived with her husband and family, hoping that I’d catch a glimpse of her.
Then I heard she got widowed. One day while driving by, I saw her crossing the street to catch her ride. I stopped and offered her a ride.
She immediately recognized me, and after a short hesitation, got into my car. She commented on my new car, to which I unexpectedly told her “could have been hers.” That car ride affected me so much that I decided to write her a four-page letter, pouring everything I felt about her that had been locked inside me all these years—how I tried to excel in college to be worthy of her, and asking her forgiveness for failing to tell her of my love for her.
She never answered my letter. Not discouraged, I have thought of visiting her and telling her in person everything I still feel for her.
Is it worth doing it now, when both of us are nearing the end of this journey, just to hold each other’s hand, to nourish that singular moment of union, of a life that we could have shared together?
Ligaw Tingin
Answer:
Clearly, you’re glossing over this girl that got away. Seems like the grass is looking greener on the other side, as you still harbor your unspoken love for this secret paramour.
Did you feel you could have been happier with her had you not cast your eye on your future wife? Could she have chosen you over her husband had you courted her and made known your sentiments? And after writing your ultimate “puppy love” confession decades hence, couldn’t she have returned the favor had your feelings been mutual?
She’s free now, isn’t she? But, sadly, you just heard crickets from her.
Not to rain on your parade, but the nagging question is, whatever happened to your wife? You know, the beauty-and-brains girl you eloped with and who gave you those intelligent and wonderful children? You left out that small detail about your relationship with her. Did something happen in your marriage that made you long for the other woman all these years? Did you ever regret choosing your wife over her? Has she passed on?
There are a million and one regrets everyone has to quietly bear in a lifetime, yours included. Ease this shadow of pain you’ve been burdened with and just be grateful for the other myriad blessings you’ve had. In a good way, this venting should have a cathartic effect on you.
Take counsel from Desiderata: “Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” Life is too short to keep on nursing regrets.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com.