Dear Emily,
My husband and I have been married for four years now, and were a couple seven years before that. A perfect match I thought.
We’re both science majors, and share the same love for anime, movies, sports and music. Our opinions on some political and social issues, and how to raise our one-year-old daughter are also the same.
In our 11 years, he hasn’t been unfaithful to me. He’s very sweet, caring, overprotective and a good provider. He also cares about my family. Problem is, lately, I think he’s been lying to me. I checked his browsing history and found he has been visiting the Facebook (FB) page of our neighbor’s 16-year old daughter, who is very attractive.
This started July of this year. It shouldn’t be an issue except that he mentioned once that she is indeed his crush. He said he’s just stalking her in Facebook so he’ll know what family updates she has as we’ve had issues with them. He also said that he’s checking the FB pages of her brother and uncle. They’re the perfect example of “nasa subdivision, pero utak-squatter,” the ones my husband and I really hate. But aside from those, I think he’s really infatuated with the teenage girl. I already stopped cyber-stalking them several months back, but it seems my husband doesn’t intend to stop himself.
This is really eating me inside. I can’t even kiss him now because I’m so jealous. I’m not that ugly, but have gained considerable weight after I gave birth last year. Even if I do lose some weight, I’ll never be as pretty and attractive as this girl. How can I convince my husband to stop cyber-stalking her, and how can I be sure that he has stopped?
JellyPie
You can diet and turn yourself into a pile of bones and that still won’t deter your husband from straying. That’s not the most ideal way to compete with this 16-year-old girl for his affection. Her looks will go south in time, but not soon enough or fast enough.
Jealousy can really blind you and make you physically sick. Ever heard of the saying “catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?” Alienating your husband in this evolving situation is very counterproductive. You’ve had 11 years with him, and if he is everything you say he is, his intelligence might kick in and waken his sensibilities before he squanders the security of a safe family home—albeit with an overweight wife—for a child-woman. Yes. She’s still a child, for goodness sake!
She may have the physical development of a grown-up, but that’s just packaging. Will she be able to sustain a meaningful relationship with your husband if it gets to that?
How bored is he anyway to be stalking her in FB? Isn’t that against the law especially when she’s just 16? Doesn’t he have enough activities to challenge his mind? Since you mentioned you’re two peas in a pod in almost everything, couldn’t he just be looking for a momentary excitement and living a bit dangerously specially when no one is looking? You know, having that variety to spice up his life? But then, many men think below their waist so there goes good judgment!
You cannot shackle his mind or rope in his thoughts. They will fly free and wild and nobody would be the wiser. Of course, you will never again know if he is being truthful, however much he swears on a stack of bibles. With his science-oriented mind—presumably more than skin deep— he might tire of her, if all he reads from her FB are the inane ramblings of an empty immature head. So, give him a long leash and let him run after his fading youth to his heart’s content.
The playing field becomes contentious, given that you are competing with the desirability of that young girl. But when all else fails, you can try kindness on him, to win him back again. Abundant, heart-warming kindness, because kindness, is truly seductive. That word is so underrated, but unbeknownst to most, it can melt the hardest of hearts, and may turn around a wandering eye… given the chance.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com.