DEAR Emily,
I’m 30 years old and have been married for five years. When I married my husband, I was working in one of Philippines’ top banks. I was a smart student and also performed well at work. I got pregnant after two years of marriage.
My dilemma started when I resigned from work. My husband wanted me to focus on our family and promised he’d give me capital to start my own home-based business and a monthly allowance. But up to this day, he has kept none of his promises—no capital, and the only allowance he gives is for food and household expenses.
Amazingly, he is able to buy luxury cars worth millions, hosts parties for his friends—and nothing for me, not even to buy face powder or clothes without squeezing our food budget.
I have already spent my savings from my previous job. The only extras I get are from my parents.
In our five years together, I’ve only asked my husband twice about his promise. But he has not responded.
I regret that I chose this man over my first love who is the same age as I am. I thought that, being 10 years my senior, my husband would be a more mature, responsible, loving man and respectful to me.
He’s faithful, but he wants me to depend on him and beg if I need money. But that is not me. I was an independent woman when he met me. I don’t know if I can still last another year with this kind of person.
I feel, now that I’m 30, that I have to think hard before it’s too late. I can’t believe I fell in love with this man. But I’m still still protective of his reputation; no one from my friends or family know my situation.
TORN TO LEAVE OR STAY
Already feeling despondent at age 30 and thinking of jumping ship this early in your marriage?
Not to diminish your supposed suffering, but, do you think not having an allowance is enough grounds for separation? Had he battered you that one time you asked him for money, maybe it’ll explain your trauma and zipping your lips from asking further.
Getting no response from him should not have made you lose your courage. Don’t you and your husband ever talk at all, in or out of your bedroom? His profligacy is astounding, yet you’ve lost your voice in laying claim to his supposed promises to you!
Would a few thousands a month for your needs dry up his bank account and send him to the poor house? How can he not accede to something reasonable, especially when he professes his love for you?
Clamming up forever after having asked him only twice will not bring support to your side. He probably thought you have a few bob stashed away. Is he aware that you run to your parents for help?
Some men are so out of touch with everyday living that they wouldn’t have an inkling if it is not spelled out to them. Yet, if he truly loves you, how can he be so blind and dumb to your suffering?
Marriage is a continuing communication, whether about romance or everyday issues. Talk to him in earnest and tell him exactly and clearly how you feel. Or write it down if he still can’t get what it is you want.
You cannot just turn your back on a problem. There’s a child involved here. Marriage is a commitment. It is struggling to right a wrong and making things better for the sake of a family you both wanted to build. Now is not the time to regret marrying the wrong older guy or start pining for the one that got away.
E-mail the author at emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph.