The modern world, with its conveniences and evils, is affecting the family in ways more pronounced than ever.
Social media, for example, allows a person to acquire information in real time. But it also provides a level of transparency that may not always be helpful to children.
“There was no Facebook before, where people can post everything that is happening in their lives,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Ma. Lourdes “Honey” Carandang.
Less than a generation ago, life and society were much different, she noted.
“Parents were not as busy. Today, the hours-long traffic alone means there is less time to be a parent,” the psychologist added.
In an exclusive interview, Carandang, the head of Mindfulness, Love and Compassion (MLAC) Institute for Psychosocial Services, listed five top concerns that parents face today.
Five top concerns
Most prominent is daily stress brought about by environmental factors, including traffic and unpleasant news reports.
The rest involve issues about children, including digital addiction, their apparent lack of emotional resilience, academic overload and peer pressure.
Carandang said traffic has become the singular stress factor that is now dramatically affecting the lifestyle of both parents and children.
She cites the case of kids forced to wake up as early as 4 a.m. just so they can make it in time for a school located less than 10 kilometers away.
“We can only wonder, how do they eat breakfast? They travel two hours to school. If they wake up later than that, they would be late for morning classes. Imagine the impact on the family,” she pointed out.
Dark thoughts
Aside from traffic, Carandang said unpleasant news reports also push the parents’ stress buttons, prompting her to advise those seeking consultation to refrain from watching or listening to the news.
“Make a content analysis of the news. What would it show? Maybe it’s better to abstain from the news muna. I’m just telling the truth,” she explained.
As it is, children’s digital addiction is already enough to make some parents worry. Carandang now warns that social media is evolving into a forum for young people to air their dark thoughts.
The psychologist said there are many cases now of adolescents using Facebook, Twitter and Instagram to talk about their depression and the attraction of suicide as a solution.
“The posts make me worry,” said Carandang, who now has a social media account she uses to monitor such behavior.
Many of the messages are from youngsters who question their purpose for living or complain about “not belonging.” A message in an account talks of how a teenager plans to “kill myself before my 20th birthday.”
Enablers
“I’m not saying the Internet is bad, but right now, it has become a common vehicle for communicating angst and pain. They have poems, songs and pictures. There are adolescents talking openly about suicide,” Carandang said.
The thing is, one suicidal post attracts a comment, and then two more. Pretty soon, the young people posting such messages become each other’s enablers.
Carandang said suicidal posts also lead to another alarming adolescent phenomenon called “cutting,” where young people make nonfatal cuts to their flesh to make their emotional pain more tangible.
“There’s a reason for it,” Carandang explained. “Pain is unbearable, and they cannot hold it. If you cut the flesh, it’s physical and concrete. Masakit, pero to them it’s more controllable. Instead of indescribable, nonconcrete pain, you see it in the wound.”
Reinforced behavior
She added that it does not help that Hollywood stars like Angelina Jolie and Demi Lovato admit to engaging in this kind of behavior in the past.
Carandang said such stories only add to the allure of the practice. “They reinforce the behavior and make it trendy. So that’s a concern of parents also,” she noted.
Emotional resilience, or lack thereof, is another common parental concern. Carandang said many parents admit they are worried about their children succumbing to feelings of entitlement, especially since “they have so much and they get things so easily.”
Carandang blamed the lack of resilience for many of the cases where young people entertain suicidal thoughts.
“It’s the inability to handle failures like flunking in class, or being rejected by their boyfriend or girlfriend. And these two are the leading causes of suicidal thoughts among the young,” she pointed out.
Always tired
Carandang defines resilience as “the ability to cope with daily stresses that impinge on us and erode our energies. We need to build resilience in the family to cope with daily stresses.”
In the case of academic overload, Carandang said she is glad that a number of schools have already responded to the problem by consciously reducing the homework given to students.
She believes assignments given during school days should take up only 15 to 20 minutes to complete.
“And on weekends, children should rest. Children now are always tired. There are more academic subjects now. And then there are children who, after leaving school, go directly to the tutor and still have music classes and Kumon. Children need time to breathe,” she stressed.
Peer pressure
Carandang said peer pressure among children is also becoming a major concern for parents. This is now becoming prevalent among preteens, she warned.
Carandang has heard complaints about children who “do not feel a sense of belonging-ness” and being ostracized by colleagues.
This, of course, is different from the child who is more comfortable being by himself, she added.
Carandang related the story of a grade-school math wizard whose classmates refused to take him in as a group mate in school projects.
“There were comments that he was way too serious, he was too good. Another is that he was ‘not fun,’” the psychologist recalled.
Mindfulness
While parents should not always solve their children’s problems for them, Carandang said mindfulness would always be a good first step in helping a child address his challenges.
“When a parent comes home, don’t go to the children right away while you’re carrying all the exhaustion and stresses from work. For five to 10 minutes, put down your bag, go to the bathroom, wash your hands, wash your face, change clothes. Breathe and de-stress,” she suggested.
Carandang said this quick ritual usually helps a parent shift gears and become more prepared to face the children and assist them in their needs, especially homework.
“This is a little exercise in mindfulness which means paying attention. It is a signal for your body for the change. Maliit na bagay, but it helps you get ready for the children,” she added.
Carandang’s MLAC Institute is set to hold a second conference of the Parenting Academy to address issues and answer questions about Filipino parenting.
Carandang will give the plenary talk on the theme “Parenting to Build Family Resilience” at the conference, which runs from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Saturday, Feb. 27, at the Henry Sy Sr. Auditorium of St. Luke’s Medical Center in Bonifacio Global City.
The conference will feature a symposium on fatherhood and a separate discussion on nontraditional families: those with adoptive and single parents; those with lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender parents, and families where the wife and mother is an overseas worker.
The conference also offers two workshops: one on cultivating happiness and resilience in children, and a second on tuning in to children’s emotions.
For inquiries and reservations, text 0916-6821437, e-mail mlacinstitute@gmail.com or visit mlacinstitute.com. Tickets prices are P2,000 for members of the Psychological Association of the Philippines (PAP); P2,500 for non-PAP members; and P1,000 for students.