MARCH is the month for women. On this note, let me start by dedicating today’s My Chair Rocks to all women—mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, nieces, friends and, yes, mothers-in-law all around the globe.
No doubt, we are a force to reckon with.
So much has been written about women. Writers wax poetic when they extol our virtues. Countless volumes tell about our resiliency, our courage under pressure, our capacity to withstand pain.
Should I go on? One writer rhapsodizes that we are “as strong in the throes of labor as in the agony of betrayal,” or words to that effect. Does he mean that we bend but do not break? I submit that the pain of one is akin to the other.
But let me deviate from the usual and the predictable. A few days ago, someone asked me if I had ever written anything about a mother-in-law. Truth to tell, the subject had never occurred to me. Maybe in the back of my mind I was hesitant since I am one myself. And why present myself as fair game?
Historically, a mother-in-law is not the subject of poetry or eloquent adulation, but in fact the object of distasteful mockery. She is the butt of jokes, the target of derision and ridicule, of eye-rolling and heavy groans. The proverbial mother-in-law’s reputation is difficult to live down. I wonder where this all started. Does Google know?
Trivia
In 1884, mother-in-law was British slang for a mixture of ales, old and bitter. In Germany they say “schwiegermutter,” which is also slang for staple remover (huh?), and in Spanish “suegra” was slang for the worst part of a “rosca de pan” or circular bread.
Who started this? I would rather take the French way of calling us “belle mere,” or beautiful mother.
I asked several married ladies and gentlemen about their experiences. I wanted stories. The wives were open; the men, cautious.
“It was a nightmare. His mother never liked me. She came along on our honeymoon.”
I didn’t ask for details.
“I think she was jealous of me. He was an only son. She was cold and critical.”
My friend’s son moans: “Her mom is a control freak, a domineering woman who wants to raise our children. Nothing I say or do is ever right.”
“My mom walks in unannounced, takes over the kitchen, orders the help around and it infuriates my husband. She takes the children out without as much as a by-your-leave.”
“Mine is detached,” a nephew recounts. “She is afraid to overstep and offend me. I don’t bite. My wife misses her.”
There were more woeful tales.
And then came Joy, a widow and the mother of two. Her story is an awesome exception to the stereotype that the world likes to sell.
Tribute
Did you know that Oct. 25 is Mother-in-Law Day? We are a bit early for that, but hers is a tribute that can’t wait.
She talks about Adela Castañeda-Wassmer, who incidentally went to Holy Ghost College and graduated probably two classes ahead of mine. I remember her as tall and slim, fair, with sultry, expressive eyes and a lovely smile.
Listen to Joy: “She is a beautiful woman, inside and out, a woman of integrity and virtue with a spirit of generosity and self-sacrifice. Her other children-in-law echo my words and agree that she is the best mother-in-law in the world.
“Bita is the heart of the family, our ‘mother-in-love’ [not mother-in-law]. She patiently listens to our hearts, ready to offer a shoulder to cry on, never judging our mistakes. She is a woman of God who prays without ceasing for her seven children, their spouses and families, relentless in reminding us about going to church.
“Each one of us is a better person for having known her. To know her assures you that you are truly loved. She is selfless and loves us as if we were her very own, without reservations or conditions. She is the glue that binds us all together.
“When her grandchildren were born, she kept vigil with us. With joy and tears, she has watched them in school plays. For her, they were always the best, the stars. She even traveled across the world to be at their weddings.
“Bita has touched so many lives besides ours. When I think of ‘the wind beneath our wings,’ she comes to mind. She was that to her spouse and even now, for each of us in the family.
“Since my husband Butch passed away four years ago, she keeps in touch just to make sure we are doing well, lacking nothing and to see that we are included in every activity, just as if her son was still around. Never for an instant have we felt left out. I cannot thank her enough for that.
“Today I use her favorite expression ‘Si Dios quiere,’ and wish she could live forever.
“There are a million special moments of happiness, beautiful memories tucked away inside each of our hearts, each made possible by her love. Now in the twilight of her life, I hope she knows how deeply she is appreciated, that we are grateful and that we love her with all our hearts.”
Alas!
Life blessed me with two exceptionally kind mothers-in-law. I missed it with both. The fault was all mine. Ah, the things one learns (too late) with the passage of time.