DEAR EMILY,
I am in my late 50s, separated with two grown children, both of whom have families of their own. I inherited a small business from my parents which has made me quite financially independent.
Four years ago, I met a man, also separated with three children. He separated from his wife 37 years ago when he fell in love with a businesswoman who was also married with children. Her husband knew of their ongoing affair, but couldn’t do anything because of his partnership with her in their business.
He asked for his share after a year and left to reside abroad permanently. After a 20-year-affair, this woman and my present boyfriend finally broke up. It was at this point that I met him in a conference and we clicked immediately. We live separately but have dinner every night, either at my place or his. We travel abroad often.
I knew from the start that my boyfriend’s business was not doing well, so I’ve helped him financially as much as I could. Trouble is, his eldest child is giving me hell. She has a family of her own, but still believes that her parents are still going to reconcile, and thinks I am preventing it from happening.
My boyfriend and his wife have been at odds five years into their marriage and no way will they ever get back again, he said.
I wish to confront this daughter and tell it to her face that her mother is only able to act “soci”—as they call wannabes—because of my money that is holding their little business up. But my boyfriend is a nice guy and wouldn’t want to add any more hurt to his kids, whom he left while they were still very small.
I am now avoiding scenes with his kids, such that we’ve decided that his house, as well as providing for his business, will be off-limits to me from hereon.
TRINI
Children oftentimes exact the most cruel and senseless provocation from their parents. This smacks of immaturity—which manifests at any age—and prevents them from fully summoning their intellectual capacity to understand exactly what is happening. Most remain just kids, nothing more.
The cup that has contained your anguish over his kids has clearly overflowed, and you’re just being human to feel anger, if not hurt. Yes, ingratitude is so upsetting that sometimes you wish you’d be human again and stop being a saint. You can if you could, but wouldn’t.
After prepping up your boyfriend in the many facets of his life, it’s highly improbable that you’d confront this errant daughter face to face and create a wedge in your relationship with the father. It also doesn’t look like you’d walk away because of all the financial help you’ve already extended to him and his family.
You seem blessed adequately and generous enough to share your good fortune. What gets your goat is the temerity of this daughter toward you. Is she even aware of the help you’ve given them? Does your boyfriend acknowledge your munificence to them at all? If he has, do you feel the family feels you owe it to them? It could be any of these suppositions.
You already took the first step of avoiding them, which is great. Have a life with your boyfriend away and apart from his family. It’s only right, because, individually, you all can have lives of your own.
The ex-wife has had her own life for 35 years, the three children have families of their own—as do your two children, and you’re fully independent. Your sole commitment now is only to this man, whom you can break away from should he become a pebble in your shoe.
In total, you’re the luckiest person in this equation because you can walk away from everyone should you decide to do so. With that, rid yourself of any toxic thoughts that wouldn’t add any iota to your happiness. Life is short.
E-mail the columnist: emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com.