DEAR EMILY,
I was 19 and my husband was 21 when he got me pregnant. We’ve been married 22 years and have three grown children with jobs of their own.
For the last 19 years, he has been an OFW. I am a manager for a financial institution. Since we started young, our marriage has been tough financially. Our only investment was to enroll our children in good schools. I always thought that education is the best gift you can give your children.
In 2009, we faced a huge financial challenge. From 2010 to 2014, my husband went to jail three times. We remained constant in our communication, and last year he was able to come home and visit.
I felt the changes between us, a disconnection. I found out that, for the last seven years, he has been living with his mistress, also an OFW. She is separated with one kid.
It really hurt me big time. I even went to that country to confirm this, and everything was indeed true. He explained that he had no choice then because of his problems.
He did not ask for a second chance, but I gave it to him. He promised he would come home so we could start again. He never did.
Early this year when he came home for vacation, I found out that he was still with this mistress, though he said he does not live with her anymore. He asked that I not make him choose yet because for sure he would choose the other girl. I even suggested annulment, but he wouldn’t pay for it.
When we were together here, things seemed to improve. We became tolerant, less confrontational and more loving—but without sex.
I truly love and miss him, and I did everything to make him feel we are still family. I was even willing to forgive him for all his misdeeds. When he left again for abroad, he told me he wanted to fix our lives and save more money so he could retire.
One day, I felt there was something wrong again. His mistress reported to him that I’d been sending her text messages and that I badmouthed her. This made my husband very angry.
Yes, I sent messages to the girl and the girl’s sister, but only good words, nothing more. My husband and I didn’t speak for a month after the confrontation. Then he started communicating again, but this time I felt everything was back to zero.
I want him back. For good—but I do not want to beg and chase anymore. I still love him, I know that for sure, but I am hurting until now. Should I wait for as long as I can? They say men never change, they just grow old. Is it true?
WIFE IN PAIN
In your supposed 22 years of marriage, you’ve been only together as husband and wife for a total of three years. Nineteen of those were spent separately.
This means you both missed out on the vagaries of marriage, not having any of those lovely, cute little episodes and adventures that could have tugged at your hearts and gave you warm memories while oceans apart.
Not much glue to hold together a relationship that is unraveled by separation. Your only commitment must have just been those expensive obligatory telephone calls. However you look at it, it wasn’t much of a marriage.
Why was he locked up in jail three times? Surely that devastating experience would have driven him to fall for a mistress. You were much too far to give him any face-to-face comfort at his most vulnerable moments. He had more shared experiences with her in their seven years together than with you in the three years you spent with him.
Should you wait for him and see if he has changed? Do men ever? Of course they do, when they find their true love.
But with this husband, probably not. You saw the iciness when he came back to you after his jail time. You saw how he still had the connection with her.
Then you had to scrape the bottom of your self-respect by sending this woman texts! For what? To beg her to release your husband ? Did you think she’d hand him to you on a silver platter? You just turned yourself into a doormat for this jerk of a husband you proclaim you love!
Love him from a distance, love him quietly in your heart and thoughts—but don’t ever beg her to give him back to you.
If being a glutton for punishment makes you happy, go ahead, and wait. Wait for him to tire of his mistress. Wait until he gets to see the blinding light at the foot of his bed and hope he’ll reach for you, finally. He might at last see your worth beyond the haze and give you that sliver of a chance you’ve been waiting for.
Send letters to emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com