“I hear babies cry, I watch them grow–
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world…”
These are lines from “What a Wonderful World,” one of the most heartwarming songs ever written, by George David Weiss and Robert Thiele, and made a monster hit by Louis Armstrong.
Is it really a wonderful world? A lonely man I knew a whole lifetime ago once said: It’s a world full of wonder, but not a wonderful world. What would he say today?
A few days ago, I became a great grandmother for the seventh time with the arrival of a gorgeous baby boy. Early next month, No. 8, another boy, is due. And as I watch my family’s baby boom unfold, I rejoice and I worry. I look around me and I shudder.
I revisit Proverbs for answers. It tells me: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Parenting 101
I came across an article written by John Rosemond, a family psychologist and nationally syndicated columnist from North Carolina. His strong views on parenting have come under fire especially from millennials. I have a feeling I would like him.
He is accused of belonging to the Stone Age. That makes two of us. I am looking for one of his many books. The title appeals to me: “Grandma was Right After All.”
In his popular radio show “Because I Said So,” he is a no-nonsense teacher-counselor who happily takes phone-in questions.
One caller complained that her 5-year-old would not do as she was told. Gently, Rosemond informed her “Five-year-olds do as they are told, 80 percent of the time.”
When the mother did not agree, he said: “Well, perhaps you are doing what 99 percent of today’s parents do.”
He asked: “Are you telling? Or are you (like the 99 percent) pleading, bargaining, bribing, promising, explaining, reasoning, cajoling? And then, losing your patience, you threaten, scream and get red in the face and, lastly, out of guilt, do you do something special for the child who didn’t do as she was told?”
Does that sound familiar?
“Your kids should not be the most important in the family,” said an article by Rosemond that was published early this year in the Naples Daily News in Florida.
Special status
Let me share with you a few nuggets of wisdom.
He starts with a question he asked a married couple with three kids not yet in their teens: “Who are the most important people in your family?”
“Like all good moms and dads of this brave new millennium, they answered. ‘Our kids.’ Why, I then asked. What is it about your kids that give them that status?
“And like all good moms and dads of this brave new millennium, they couldn’t answer the question other than to fumble with appeals to emotion.”
He told them: “There is no reasonable thing that gives your children that status.”
Rosemond believes that today’s problems between parents and their children are caused by moms and dads treating their kids “as if they, their marriage and their family exist because of the kids when it is, in fact, the other way around.”
Heart of the matter
There’s more. “This issue is really the heart of the matter. People my age know it’s the heart of the matter, because when we were kids it was clear to us that our parents were the most important people in our families. And that, right there, is why we respected our parents; and that, right there, is why we looked up to adults in general.
“The most important person in an army is the general. The most important person in a corporation is the CEO. The most important in a classroom is the teacher. And the most important persons in a family are the parents.”
“The primary objective should not be raising a straight A student who excels in three sports, earns a spot on the Olympic swim team, goes to an A-list university and becomes a prominent brain surgeon… The most important thing about children is the need to prepare them properly for responsible citizenship. The primary objective is to raise a child such that community and culture are strengthened.”
The idea that “Our child is the most important person in our family is the first step toward raising a child who feels entitled,” says Rosemond.
Listen up, young parents. Pay attention.
Wise man
I remember my father who, raised as he was in poverty, worked hard to provide for us and didn’t worry about difficult times. But he was deeply troubled in times of plenty, when there was excess, when there were no restraints and the children were given everything and wanted for nothing. He asked, “What will become of them?” Wise man, my Captain.
Here are words from William Martin, author of “The Parent’s Tao Te Ching.”
“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.
“Such striving may seem admirable, but it is a way of foolishness.
“Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.
“Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.
“Show them how to cry when pets and people die.
“Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.
“And make the ordinary come alive for them.
“The extraordinary will take care of itself.”