When “Bad Moms,” a comedy film about three overworked, under-appreciated moms who go rogue, came out last year, it was a relief. I enjoyed the irreverent, inappropriate, relatable humor of Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn and Kristen Bell.
Like Kunis’ character, I try to be the best parent I can be. It’s tiring to try to be a person worthy of emulation, because my very impressionable kids absorb everything I say and do.
For instance, my perfectionism has rubbed off on my 6-year-old son Jack, and it pains me to see him being very hard on himself when he messes up.
Even when I try to assure him that it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s how you learn that matter, he parrots back words I’ve said when I have been ruthless on myself, too.
I realized that I should be more forgiving of myself and others.
In the book “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Random Acts of Kindness,” Elizabeth Moursund shared her story about being a new mom waiting at the pediatrician’s office. Her baby kept on crying. She started apologizing for the ruckus, when an older woman told her, “Oh sweetie, don’t worry about it.” Looking around the room, she added, “We have all been there. It’s just your turn.”
Moursund said that it’s one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to her, and perhaps one of the wisest observations about parenting: “We tend to only hear about the best parts of people’s lives on social media… it’s what we choose to tell. When you are smack dab in the middle of the drama without a resolution in sight, it can be hard to imagine getting out of it and tempting to assume that everyone else has it easier than you.”
We showcase our Pinterest-worthy moments and sweep under a rug our major fails. But don’t we always hear that we should encourage mistake-making? Why hide our precious failures when we—or someone else—can learn from them, or just feel better about being human?
No comparing
Joie Zamora Bunye, 47, made a conscious effort not to make comparisons between her sons Rafu, 23, and Renzo, 21.
“Rafu easily adjusted in a traditional school and enjoyed it,” said Joie. “We sent Renzo to the same school, despite an educational psychologist’s evaluation that he was more fit to be in a Montessori- or progressive-type of school because his learning style is more hands-on or experiential.”
She added: “I felt it wouldn’t make a difference, since we were there to assist him in his schoolwork. But Renzo had difficulties in his subjects. He told me he wasn’t happy in school, but I didn’t listen. My husband Dennis and I are products of traditional schools, so we know how competitive the environment is. But instead of understanding Renzo, we pushed him to do more.”
The constant pushing ended up in stressful tutoring sessions, heated conversations about schoolwork, and comparisons between Rafu and Renzo. Before the last quarter ended, Joie got a tutor from a small school for Renzo.
She noticed his excitement when his tutor came. Renzo sat in one of the classes at the small school and liked it, so Joie enrolled him there the next year.
“Renzo’s grades were up, and more importantly, he got his confidence back,” said Joie. “Our sons have both finished school. Rafu graduated with an Applied Math degree and plans to pursue graduate studies, while Renzo graduated with a degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management and wants to become a chef. I’ve learned to support both my boys in being the best they can be.”
Jona Cham-Lago, 39, admitted: “I think I’m a bad mom at least once a week!”
She explained: When my son Roque was 3 months old, I was working from home. It was already mid-afternoon when I had a chance to breathe, and realized that the last time I changed his nappy was seven hours ago.”
These days, Jona still claims to be in zombie mode taking care of Roque, 4, and new baby Cortez, 2 months.
“One morning, Roque woke me to say that he had to poop. He knows to go on his own but needs me to wash him after. I told him to go on, that I would follow, but I fell asleep! When I woke up, I hurried downstairs to an angry Roque: ‘I was calling you again again again!’ He had been yelling for me until he gave up and just left the toilet.
“Other than these boo-boos,” Jona noted, “there were times when I would feel so overwhelmed by motherhood that I would unnecessarily snap at Roque for the slightest thing, like not packing his toys up fast enough. The guilt from screaming at him eats at me for days.”
She added: “Reading blogs by other moms help a lot when I feel like I’m the worst mother in the world. I had traumatized my son with self-esteem issues. Knowing that I’m not the only parent struggling to do the best I can helps me to forgive myself for the times when I f— up.”
Said Moursund: “Challenges aren’t a bad mark of parenting so much as they are a part of life. Accepting that ‘it’s just your turn’ and approaching those challenges with a positive attitude is what matters. And remembering that some kind words to someone who is struggling can make a real difference.”–CONTRIBUTED