Dear Emily,
I’m a 28-year-old virgin and have tried, unsuccessfully, to have sex with two men, one in my late teens and the other in my early 20s.
Because of my difficulty I was diagnosed with vaginismus. This is a condition that can make sexual intercourse, gynecological exams and even tampon insertion painful, if not impossible.
I felt I had infuriated both my exes, and the gynecologists I visited who were impatient and misinformed about my condition. I’ve avoided physical intimacy since then. I’ve walled off this reality completely, and my intermittent dating has never progressed past making out. I am now focusing only on my career, where I’ve been successful.
I live in a country where sexual taboos are many, and mental health or sexual counseling is limited. To avoid my loneliness and frustration, I’ve turned to food and alcohol, gaining 40 pounds and feeling some mixed relief at becoming unattractive and, therefore, safe from male attention. From fear of intimate relationships, this lonely cycle of self-sabotage has turned me into a workaholic.
I’ve finally found an understanding therapist and we’re working on my childhood sexual abuse.
It’s been seven whole years since my last real relationship, and I’m still fearful whether my vaginismus will be a constant constraint. Will anyone truly accept me?
—DESPERATE IN SINGLEDOM
What stands out in your narrative is your history of childhood sexual abuse which, methinks, is the root of your vaginismus. What’s between our ears is the cause of so many unexplained problems—be it sex (impotence and your exotic ailment), writer’s block, depression, weight gain, insomnia, etc.
Most troubles start in the mind—and, clearly, the power of mind over matter.
You’re lucky that those encounters were all “unsuccessful.” Your “ailment” could have brought you not only embarrassment but an untoward “accident” in its extreme case—like being rushed to the emergency room bundled up en flagrante delicto and medically detached from your partner!
It seems your dilemma can only be solved by one person—you. No pills or surgery can cure or rectify this physical aberration. A medical doctor suggests that you train and focus your mind to relax, discard all the rubbish you’ve accumulated inside it, and move on from that trauma of your youth.
Only after you’ve reined in your mind will your body follow suit. If not, you’ll be that constant prisoner of the hardened scars that have burrowed deeply in your subconscious.
Tear down that obstacle you’ve gotten yourself into, like your weight. Not many men can see through the inner beauty behind the 40 pounds you’re hiding in. Go out and have fun with kindly souls willing to be friends first and not rush you into having sex. This route might heal your trauma, begin to unspool the convoluted web in your mind, and usher in the normal sex life you’ve been yearning for.
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