I used to think it was a Filipino cultural response to say that self-love feels too much like selfishness.
I have come to realize that it’s not just a Filipino thing, but a universal belief, one I feel needs to be changed to create happiness from within.
The idea of self-care and putting one’s needs first, taking care of oneself before you can take care of another, is so frowned upon by a majority of people, regardless of nationality or cultural beliefs.
It is quite interesting to observe how people react whenever I say self-love is the only way to true happiness. And if you are reading this and thinking to yourself, “But it’s so selfish to put myself first,” read on, because that very belief is what is causing you distress right now.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I put others’ needs over my own needs?
- Do I give too much?
- Do I believe that showing love is giving of myself until it hurts?
- Do I have a hard time saying no to the people I love?
- Do I feel guilty when I do nothing all day?
- Do I feel like I need to be doing something all the time?
- Do I give myself time to be alone, rest and pamper myself?
- Does the whole idea of self-pampering feel like something I do not deserve?
- Do I get guilty receiving?
- Do I sacrifice for my loved ones?
Conscious choice
If you answered yes to even just one of these questions, you definitely need a little more self-nurturing and self-love in your life. And no, I am not baiting you, either.
Self-nurturing is absolutely essential, but it’s a conscious choice. While a choice will get the ball rolling, the only way you can sustain self-love is to change your limiting beliefs about it.
The first to go is the belief that self-love is selfish. There is nothing selfish about self-care, and it is an absolute requirement for thriving in spirit, mind and body.
If you want to be happier, start filling your own cup. There is no external source of happiness. Everything you need and will ever need is within you—you are the creator of your own state of being, responsible for filling your own cup, because we are givers by nature.
But you cannot give from an empty container. If you feel drained, tired and burned out, you are not doing what is necessary to fill your own cup. If you tell yourself, I’ll be happy when this happens or when someone does this, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
If you are focused on an external source of happiness or fulfillment, then it’s time to turn your focus inwards, with the intention of nurturing yourself. And there is nothing selfish about it. We are naturally giving, we are not natural hoarders.
If you are hoarding and not sharing with those you care for, if you just take and take without regard for others, you are most probably focusing on an outer source of happiness, and you are coming from lack. This is selfishness.
Lack is a perception and our natural state is joy and love.
Lack vs abundance
The main difference between selfishness and self-nurturing is the belief in lack vs abundance and flow. A truly selfish person is coming from the premise that there isn’t enough, that he or she needs to acquire and keep things for his or her own.
Selfishness is a mind-set that is devoid of love, a focus on limits, lack and the underlying belief that you are not enough.
A person who is self-nurturing believes that one must love oneself unconditionally, accept oneself and take accountability for one’s state of being. In doing so, one expands flow, limitlessness, abundance and love.
No expectations
One fills up and gives from the excess. When one gives from the excess, there are no expectations, no exchange. There is no need to even say, “If I do this for you, what do I get in return?” I fill my cup, so that I can give from the fullest, most authentic version of me that needs nothing external, because joy comes from within.
In psychoneurology, we teach you how to direct your state of being toward thriving through self-nurturing. The very essence of self-nurturing is creating an excess that is so limitless, you can completely give of yourself without feeling depleted, without that sense of sacrifice, without getting burned out and without expectation.
If expectations ruin all relationships, the only way to not expect is to not need anything. If pure acceptance of the other is the way to love another, the first thing that needs to happen is pure acceptance of yourself.
Start your self-care practice today by going inwards through meditation, and by doing more things that make you happy. Make the decision to meet your own needs and do whatever it takes to keep your being in the highest possible state.
Start being grateful, and focus on what you have, rather than what you do not have. Begin to like yourself a little bit more every day. You will find that these simple resources are all you need to create a joyful state of being. You won’t know unless you try.
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