DEAR EMILY,
I am a Filipina divorcee who met a man five years my junior through an online dating website. I am 38, he’s 33. Since my divorce three years ago, I’ve gone out on dates with guys but never anything this serious.
A week after our first meeting, we immediately became a couple. It’s been six months since and I have never been happier. Everything just feels right. I’ve met his family and friends, and he’s met mine.
The only problem is it took him three years to get over his ex-girlfriend of five years. I feel he’s not over her yet, that any time she comes back to him again, he’ll just leave me. We’ve talked about this and he has constantly assured me that he’s over her, he is very happy with me now and wants no one else but me.
Actually, he has done nothing for me to doubt anything he said. He has been very honest and has only shown love, kindness and respect for me in this relationship. I know that I am in love with this guy, as he is with me. He’s white and there are differences in our culture which we both think is not too much to overcome.
How do I get rid of all my insecurities? This has been my problem too with my ex-husband. It “killed” that relationship and, I should tell you, I am very good in digging up bones of the past endlessly. I don’t want to do that anymore with this guy.
—Phoenixgirl
You yourself know your problem very well, so get on with it, girl, and start restructuring your psyche right away! Old habits die hard, and the sooner you develop your new mental outlook, the better it will be for this new relationship.
Been there, done that, so you say. Are you going to gamble away your happiness just because of some rotten coping mechanism spelled insecurity which you’ve kept, though mistakenly, as part and parcel of your love affairs? You’ve admitted how good you are “…in digging up bones of the past endlessly.” Why so? Don’t you ever start your new love affairs on a clean slate?
What your lover did in the past is past. Past is something you’ve left behind, walked away from. They happened way before he even heard of you or seen you in this online dating service. He could have been a worm or an ugly toad in his other life—so what’s it to you? None of your business, don’t you agree?
So he kept the memories of his ex-girlfriend for another three years—and that hurt your ego! Did he flaunt her image to you? Did he say her name in his sleep or slip it during your love-making?
You can’t possibly erase the thought of someone 100-percent, as you would a stain on a dress or skin. We’re talking of memories here, of thoughts, etched deeply in the grooves of our brain. Unless he meets an accident and develops total amnesia, don’t expect him to obliterate his past in the wink of an eye.
Looking back constantly at the past will not only break your neck, you’ll never be happy, too!
Be grateful for the blessings you have with him. It’s never too late to develop positive habits. Begin it now and save this blossoming affair.
E-mail emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com, subject: Lifestyle.