Dear Emily,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 10 years now. We are at the right age to get married, but there are no plans, as we’re afraid of marriage.

We used to be very loving to each other. We still kiss and hug—but the sex part is almost gone. We are not even over 35 yet, but we only make love once in two months or, at the most, once a month. We rarely say “I love you,” and I feel we are growing apart.

I have been so used to his company, but surprisingly, I do not miss him when we are away from each other. I even wish he’d go on vacation, far from home. I love him dearly, but it’s not the kind of love that makes me want to have sex with him anymore. I am an active person and want to do it everyday, but not with him.

I want him to open up to me and just say it’s over. Is there something wrong with me? — Marz

Answer:

Ever heard the expression: “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck”? Your relationship is the duck. You prefer him away than with you, barely make love with him, and hardly say “I love you” to each other anymore. Ten years on, and not even any talk of marriage? Don’t you see what’s happening? This relationship has unraveled before your eyes, as you both looked away and did not face its decline head-on.

Ten years is a long time to have worked on your compatibility, like how happy you could have made each other, and how sad you’d be if the person you’ve been living with, sleeping with and making love to left you. Seems like the boat has left! You’ve become too complacent that unwittingly, extinguished the passion you once felt for each other, at the supposed peak of your sexuality!

It’s been said that the tragedy of love is not death or separation; it’s indifference. Unless you and your boyfriend talk it over and see if there’s still a future ahead, you’ll just probably have feelings like between brother and sister now. Nothing else might fire it up again.

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