There was a time when good kids were defined as those who just accepted orders from their parents. Children followed out of fear, not respect. With so much resentment built up, we learned that this autocratic parenting style is ultimately detrimental.
Even if you grew up this way, it’s not too late to change. Past is past, and it doesn’t have to be where you are tomorrow. Today’s kids are growing up in the info age, so parents need to adapt.
The Catholic Educational Association of the Philippines (Ceap-NCR) recently held a webinar for parents titled “Strength in the Midst of the Pandemic: Parents’ Love Offering.”
Parenting and relationship specialists from The Love Institute preached the principles of parenting with the acronym Anak (child): Atensyon sa anak at sa sarili, Negosasyon at disiplina, Aruga sa anak at sa asawa, at Komunikasyon.‘Atensyon sa anak at sa sarili’
The Institute’s Aiza Caparas-Tabayoyong stressed the need to schedule one-on-one time to get to know each of your children, so each one feels special.
“Put it in your calendar. Fill them with love, especially in the first 10 years of life,” advised the Institute’s Ma. Isabel Sison-Dionisio.
She also recommended to “connect before you correct” and to catch children doing good. Sison-Dionisio explained that if parents only give attention when kids are fighting or doing something naughty, the bad behavior will be reinforced.
‘Negosasyon at disiplina’
We need to reflect on how we were disciplined by our parents before, its effect on us now, and how we discipline our kids.
“Don’t let history dictate how you parent today,” said the Institute’s Juanito P. Caballes. Discipline is not pagpaparusa (punishment), pananakot like “kukunin ka ng bumbay o ng pari” (fear of consequence or negative reinforcement), or panghihiya (shaming or sarcasm).
If we need our tween to do something, we shouldn’t be bossy. Set not “the law” but an agreement. Ask, “What time is good for you?”
Involve them in setting house rules by asking, “What do you think?” when visiting a friend’s house, doing household chores, study time, screen time, curfew and family time.
Sison-Dionisio discouraged rescuing a child who forgets their project at home. Instead, she suggested letting the child experience the natural, logical consequence of getting a demerit, then teaching them how to make a checklist so they won’t forget next time.
“What we want is for them to learn how to discipline themselves,” explained Caballes. “Ask, ‘What will happen, anak, if you don’t pack away?’ Toy pieces might get lost. ‘What will happen if you fight?’ You will lose time playing with the game. ‘What will happen if the dishes don’t get washed?’ Pests will come, germs will thrive in our home.
“‘You don’t want to eat? Don’t. But no crying later when you get hungry and don’t expect a new meal to be made for you. That’s also aruga sa asawa (nurturing your spouse).”
Instead of spanking, yelling or punishing, build their internal compass. Have them get along with their sibling or do what’s right not out of fear but because they know the consequences.‘Aruga sa anak at sa asawa’
Caparas-Tabayoyong emphasized having a relationship with each child. Highlight and praise their strengths and good qualities.
Compare them only with the old version of themselves, not with others. (“You don’t need as much help with online schooling now unlike last year!”)
Notice their contributions and make them feel your acceptance. Say, “I like the way you handled your problem with your schoolwork.” Also, ask them what they appreciate about Dad, Mom and their siblings to create a positive atmosphere of healthy self-worth.
Put-downs affect confidence, so we must lift our children’s spirits. Stop focusing on what’s deficient (“Why did you get eight out of 10 in your test?”). They will feel they lack something instead of feeling whole.Caballes also pointed out the need to strengthen our relationship with our spouse. “Have a weekly date, chat with each other daily for 15 minutes,” he said. “Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Have breakfast together while the kids are still asleep. Affirm each other’s strengths. Find what you appreciate and express it. Say it, write it. Avoid negative labels because your children and spouse imbibe these and become their reality.”
‘Komunikasyon’
“I am striving to understand you, anak. Is this what you’re saying?” Caballes suggested echoing back what our children say so they feel heard.
Try “I” messages: “I feel worried when you don’t study right away because I might not be able to help you later when I’m busy with something else. Maybe you can play a bit for 20 minutes now then study for 20 minutes after?”
Express the values of integrity and honesty. Ask them to list the advantages and disadvantages of letting you do their work for them. Say, “It’s like going to the gym, letting Mama do the sit-ups and expecting you to get the abs.”
If you’re not naturally communicative, start somewhere. Otherwise, your kids might become distant in the future, resentment can build up and harden. Stubbornly holding onto “This is how I am” can’t be an excuse. As parents, we need to listen and empathize with our children.
The specialists’ core message is for parents to choose to earn their children’s respect. This means not putting parents on a pedestal. Everyone gets a say and gets to contribute. Children who grow up having a voice means that when they’re in school, in a relationship, or get a job, they can have respect.
It doesn’t mean they can sass back. When they do, report how you’re feeling and make requests. Say, “I know you’re mad at (your friend/teacher) and I feel like you’re taking it out on me. When you’re no longer so angry, let’s talk later.”
Modeling these behaviors takes time, especially if this isn’t the atmosphere you grew up in. But as with most things, practice makes perfect. Our spouse and children will appreciate our trying. —CONTRIBUTED INQ
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By Jemps Gallegos Yuvienco
@Inq_Lifestyle