DEAR EMILY,
My in-laws have been living with us for almost five years now. I have nothing against them, although I admit I am not comfortable having other people around after being married for 12 years. A few weeks’ vacation is fine with me, but not this long.
My husband and I go to office every day, and I only get to talk with them during dinner and weekends. I am the quiet type, and I just say hi and hello. However, there are times when I want to take a few days’ leave and take a break, enjoy my house, do some errands—but the idea of spending that time at home with my in-laws around, instead of just myself and my children, make me decide, “’Wag na lang.”
My in-laws don’t have their own house, though their pension is big enough to allow them to rent or buy one, if they wanted to. I have told my husband about this, but he doesn’t have the guts to do anything about it. I feel he’d rather I get hurt than tell his parents what we feel. He is, I think, even ashamed to communicate this to his siblings, who are all abroad.
I feel this is so unfair to me. I had no idea his parents will retire with us, because they can very well afford to live on their own. Why do I have to adjust to them instead of me enjoying my privacy and my own home? I’ve done it for five years, but it cannot be forever. Am I being selfish? —Laura
Answer:
Say no more. You have every right to be selfish. Every woman dreams of becoming a queen after she’s married and reign in her own house, no matter if it’s as small as a closet or as huge as a mall. But this country is still old-fashioned, such that a grown child will be considered selfish and ungrateful if he denies his parents access to his home, most especially if they don’t have one.
But your in-laws are not destitute enough to be overstaying guests, five years now and counting. It would be understandable if one has been widowed or disabled, and would need the company and care of one of their children. And clearly, it’s none of the above! Probably a nudge in the right direction will make them see the light and understand your unspoken message?
As a saying goes, “There are a million ways to skin a cat.” Why not reach out to a sibling your husband is closest to and vent your repressed emotions? If they’re living abroad, one surely must empathize with what you’re going through. They themselves should understand the restrictions and discomfort of having anyone other than their spouses and kids in their midst, 24/7.
When one has his own family, parents definitely become honored guests and are welcome to stay for a few weeks or a few months. The excitement of having them stays constant during that short window. But stretch it to a year or more and relations start to wilt, if not become strained or unbearable.
Let your husband communicate with his siblings and make them solve this problem as a team. They may even be the catalysts in allowing two households, their parents and your own, gain independence from each other.
So turn what you consider your selfishness into a family effort, and engage everyone to participate in solving this ticklish issue. After all, caring for their parents is not your husband’s sole responsibility. He just happens to be nearest them.
(emarcelo@inquirer.com.ph or emarcelo629@gmail.com—Subject: Lifestyle)