If you are a parent, it is almost a certainty that you have taught your child how to ride a bike.
He has outgrown the trike? Here comes the two-wheeler. The training wheels have come off. You stand behind your child, holding the back end of his seat. You say a few encouraging words. There are a couple of shaky attempts at getting the bike in motion. “Let’s do that again. Relax!” you say. “One more time!”
There he goes. You run a few steps behind the bike and you watch. A few zigs and a couple of zags later, the child steadies up and is off on his own!
Yours was the important part of the lesson: You gave him support and freedom. You pushed him off the starting blocks. How well he steers will be entirely up to him. Don’t wonder if there is no backward glance. Don’t expect a nod of thanks. Be happy knowing that you got him on the road.
Raising a child is like that.
In spite of Dr. Spock and the other bestselling gurus on childcare, being a mom or dad requires more than just knowing where to stick a thermometer. This is a hit-and-miss situation, and sometimes there are more misses than hits.
I was a Dr. Spock mom. His book was my bible for babies. Is he as popular with mommies today? Or has he been dethroned?
Spock gave a detailed checklist for new parents. But he didn’t give us instructions on how to raise our kids. We were on our own on that one—unless, of course, we read the Bible.
On-the-job training
Volumes have been written on the subject but no college curriculum offers Parenting 101. This is what is known as “on-the-job training.”
We really don’t know much about children. It is wise to remember that they are impressionable, tender creatures. What we do or say may hurt them. And for some, the damage is permanent.
When I was a little girl, I was told I was a foundling. It was all in jest, of course. Some of my aunts referred to me as la negrita. I was born two years after my sister, who was adorable, with curly gold and chestnut hair, light brown eyes and fair skin. I was the exact opposite. I was dark, with straight black hair, always sniffling with a cold, and quite cranky.
Unkind friends and relatives made comparisons between us, and told jokes about having found me in a garbage bin. Others snickered and called me pulot.
I grew up thinking the stories were true. I think I cried a lot. It was not until I was nine that I discovered that the freckled birthmark on my left arm was identical to my mom’s. I was ecstatic! As much as it had hurt me, I quickly got over it. But I do remember the pain.
My sister’s Korean hairdresser in Atlanta shares a similar story. Forty years later, she is still angry.
They say the most important ingredient in raising children is love. That is a given. It is an undisputed natural condition. Even a bad parent may love his child. But love is not enough.
In my book, time is what matters most. It is the most precious thing we own. Today’s demanding world tells you that success must be pursued 24/7; that doing anything less makes us failures or mediocre at best. Beware. If we buy into this concept, we lose. As parents, we fail.
Some couples refuse to have children until their net worth can include a college education. That may be commendable. But no matter how “equipped” we are, time with our children is indispensable. That is love, spelled T-I-M-E.
Spending time with your children reaps wonderful rewards. It means getting to know them deeply and intimately. Parents are part of the child’s playtime. They don’t just watch the fun happening, they make it happen. They engage one another in lively conversations at table, take walks, go for rides and even do chores together.
Sportsmanship
This is the way that values are firmly established. When we participate in their games, the basics of sportsmanship become ingrained. They learn how to be good losers and magnanimous winners. Mutual respect develops. By example, parents show them that there is value and honor in hard work. Some of us handicap our children by making life too easy.
A wise man once said, “To bring up your children well, spend on them half as much money and twice as much time.”
And when your children are all grown-up, with families of their own, remember to give them enough respect by acknowledging that they are perfectly capable of handling any crisis that may arise. Be confident that what you have taught them over the years will now serve them well.
Yes, I know how frightening it is to see your offspring fly solo. I also know the sick feeling you get when you see him teetering on the edge of an abyss, and are unable to speak a word of warning. But we must quietly watch the scene unfold, trusting that God will hear the prayer of our hearts, and will make it all good.
It is interesting how the years have changed the landscape of my life. Recently I was riding with my eldest daughter at the wheel, marveling at how well she handled the car, and amused how, when she suddenly stepped on the brakes, she held her arm out in front of me to keep me safe. I smiled. It made me feel warm and fuzzy.
But at the same time, I wondered, when does your child become the parent? When did it happen? It took many years, I guess. But it seems like “suddenly” to me.
These are the twilight years. The tables have turned and roles have been reversed. I am sure of one thing. Love is not the question. It never was, and never will be. And that four letter word is once again of infinite importance—TIME.
