Is cheating inevitable? Despite scientific and actual evidence supporting this theory, I still believe it’s a resounding “no.”
We’ve seen so many examples of the best couples breaking up due to cheating that it’s easy to conclude that it happens always, to everyone. The phrase “It takes two to tango” is sensitive in these cases, as the person being cheated on could take offense at the idea that they are part of the equation. The conclusion that “cheaters will always cheat” may stop us from looking into how we contribute to the dynamics, and how we can shift the trajectory of our relationships.
By the looks, status and wealth of the famous people who have unfortunately been in the spotlight for having third parties, we can tell that beauty, fame and money aren’t enough to maintain a happy relationship.
In my area of work, I’ve been privileged to see the different perspectives of cheating—the cheater, the cheated, the one being cheated with—of different triangles. One thing I can say with absolute certainty is that none of them was happy to be in the situation each was in.
So why are they in it, you may ask? “I can’t help it” would sum up what they would say.
From where I stand, I think they can, and they could’ve, but…
As one would guess, there are so many factors at play. If I were to sum up what makes one cheat, these would be top of mind.
Lack of self-awareness. When we are not aware of what we long for, it’s hard to ask for it from our partners. If we don’t get it, we conclude that we’re with the wrong person. We become resentful. If we meet someone who happens to fill that yearning, this could be an opening for cheating. People who are not self-aware get into it unknowingly, until they’re in too deep.
Attraction to unhealthy needs. We all have childhood wounds and self-limiting beliefs. These are areas for us to work on to remove barriers from being who we have the potential to be. When we don’t work on them, they dictate the people and opportunities we attract. People who fear uncertainties get attracted to those who appear to have control. Those who need to have control also have tendencies to be abusive and violent when they don’t get what they need. The cycle repeats and gets passed on. Dealing with our own s__t is the best way for us to be in better relationships.
Miscommunication. So many of us don’t express our thoughts and emotions well. We are afraid to ask for what we truly want because we think it’s not right, or it’s asking for too much. People express anger and cause hurt, instead of expressing pain and fear. Knowing what we feel is first; communicating this well is vital.
Lack of emotional connection. We weren’t taught in school to deal with our emotions. This makes it difficult to connect with our partners deeply. Sometimes it’s hardest to be vulnerable with the ones we love the most. When we seek this connection in someone else, it opens us up to wanting to be with someone else.
People growing apart. We’ve seen decades of relationships come to an end. When we don’t connect intentionally with our partners, we fail to communicate our side of the story, and we grow apart. People say they realize they’re married to a stranger. It takes consistent purpose and work to ensure no one gets left behind.
Taking for granted what is. We are so used to looking for what we don’t have. The person who once felt like a dream now becomes a hassle. This culture of wanting more should be layered with doing the work within and with our significant other. Taking time to appreciate each other benefits both parties.
The inability to disagree constructively. Fear of conflict seems embedded in our society. We sweep everything under the rug, until it becomes an insurmountable mountain. We think that not disagreeing is the goal. This is farthest from the truth. When we learn to disagree, we get to know ourselves and each other better. This is a chance to cocreate the relationship we want.
Cheating is not the problem, but the escape. Many cheaters don’t intend to end their current relationships. They just need to give in to their deepest desires they didn’t know they had. Being deliberate in working on ourselves saves everyone the heartache.
Are we then sentenced to the same fate? Not at all. We just need to be willing to do the work. We choose our pain—the pain of doing the work, or the consequences of not doing it. You take your pick. —CONTRIBUTED
The author is an executive coach and an organizational development consultant. You may reach out to her through coachsheila.tan@gmail.com.