From soothing your sleepless little ones and finding your “mama tribe” to settling on manners of discipline, Tricia Centenera shares all she knows as a learning mom
Parenting—all of it is tricky! I have two little girls aged two and five years old. They challenge me daily but instead of letting it derail my day, I choose to grow from it.
While I play the role of the responsible parent, I always remember that I am also a learning parent. I’m also their student.
As a fellow “learning parent,” I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m here to share what I’ve done, why I’m doing it, and when it has or hasn’t worked for me and my family.
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I try my best to practice respectful and gentle parenting… and, to be honest, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m neither an expert nor am I a psychologist, but I am a learning mom.
“While I play the role of the responsible parent, I always remember that I am also a learning parent. I’m also their student.”
I want to share my experiences—both good and bad! I’ll be here to answer your questions that have also been mine once before. We are in this together!
Here are my answers to some of your questions:
1. Hi Tricia, does it ever get easier? We have a 10-month-old and she doesn’t sleep. We are still waking up multiple times in the night and I am so tired.
Just to share a bit of insight: My two-year-old never slept through the night compared with my five-year-old who always did.
I love the 10-month phase but at that age, they go through sleep regression. They say by 10-months-old they should be sleeping all the way through the night. However, they also hit a certain milestone in their brain and in their physical development, which makes them more aware of everything and might be keeping your little one up at night.
What I found works with both of my girls is that the afternoon nap/routine really impacts their nighttime sleep. Combine that with making sure your baby has a healthy sleeping environment and you’ll have a higher chance of success.
What that looked like for me: At 10 months, I didn’t let my girls sleep any later than 4 p.m. If they were asleep, I’d gently wake them and give them their milk and then it’s playtime. Making sure they weren’t sleeping too late in the afternoon guaranteed I would get them down again for bedtime.
Other things that worked for me are making sure they have a good dinner and a full belly, and that the environment in her room is conducive to sleeping—I still use Himalayan salt lamps for our rooms—and we keep the correct temperature at around 22 to 25 degrees Celsius. It also helps that they have the correct sleeping attire on. They should still be sleeping in a zipped-up sleep sack so they don’t wake themselves from their own reflexes. These were the rules that worked for me and my kids.
In my experience, it’s much more important for our babies to get the sufficient amount of sleep they need, compared to sleeping on the same schedule as other babies. Our babies are always growing, and so too must patterns and routines.
“I know that’s easier said than done but all you can do is your best and your baby is gonna do what she’s gonna do. Just be there for her, hold her through it.”
Now you said that your baby isn’t sleeping through the night, which is different from getting them to fall asleep. What I suggest you do is if your baby wakes up, do not turn on any lights and do not stimulate her with either light or sound… just sit with her. She will eventually fall back to sleep—that’s about it!
Now if my girls are crying at night, I was the kind of mother who would pick them up. I wanted them to know that I was there even though I know there’s a whole other school of thought in which you should not pick up the baby. It’s called the cry-it-out method. Basically, you let your baby cry until they fall asleep or back to sleep—rest assured they will sleep out of exhaustion. Some babies may protest for a few minutes—some 25 minutes, others 65 minutes, and some even longer. It’s important to not put a time limit on it.
I couldn’t do this method myself, however, my sister did it with her twins. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way, just your way. The good news is she will grow out of it and her sleep pattern is going to change in a couple of weeks. Time flies by really quickly so try not to get too hung up on it. I know that’s easier said than done but all you can do is your best and your baby is gonna do what she’s gonna do. Just be there for her, hold her through it.
References: “Save Our Sleep” by Tizzie Hall and Love to Dream Sleep Sack
2. I’m a young mom and the first in my friendship group to have a baby. It feels like I have no one to turn to for all the information I’m supposed to be learning. Are there any good resources out there for brand-new moms who feel like they haven’t found their village?
First, let me congratulate you on your firstborn and being the first in your friendship group to have a baby. Although now you are in uncharted territory, fret not—here are some of my mom thoughts on it all:
There are books and podcasts out there that aren’t too overwhelming, which I found helpful and still use to fill up my tool kit—such as “Unruffled” by Janet Lanbery and “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky. Even just reaching out to me shows how much you care and how you are already a hands-on mom.
Finding your “mama tribe” can be even more tricky. Reaching out online on Facebook and going to parenting fairs to be around other like-minded parents—I found that those things really helped—and I still go to them myself! You can check out Momzilla Fair and Mommy Mundo.
“When everything gets overwhelming just breathe, recenter yourself, and take a baby step forward. Parenting is a marathon and no one person has all the answers and there is no right answer.”
When we feel isolated as a mother, especially after giving birth, there is that worry of postpartum depression. The usual self-doubt creeps in, and questions such as “am I enough” and “am I doing this right” may start to consume you. When all of these doubts and insecurities sneak into your head, remind yourself that all your baby needs is for you to show up for them! They won’t judge you, they just need your love. The baby phase passes by so fast, so even though you are tired, make sure to soak it all in and be present.
Here are some communities you can consider:
Instagram: @theparentingemporium, @respectfulmom, and @biglifejournal
Facebook community: Glam-O-Mamas
Having a mommy tribe/village sure makes it easier, but you really only ever need one person to talk to. It may be your friend, your husband or wife/parent, or your sibling—this person doesn’t need to be a mom to be a good listener. When everything gets overwhelming just breathe, recenter yourself, and take a baby step forward. Parenting is a marathon and no one person has all the answers and there is no right answer.
3. My husband and I have very different ideas about discipline. I am interested in gentle/respectful parenting while he is very traditional and doesn’t see how this will teach our kids discipline in the real world. How can we get on the same page?
My partner and I have a 15-year age difference. So while I am following gentle, respectful parenting whenever appropriate, he is very much more traditional in how he disciplines the children—or should I say was.
Here’s an example of what was happening: He’d come home from work—Monday to Friday, in and out of the house from 8:30 a.m. to 7:00 pm. When he would come home and see our firstborn who was maybe two-years-old at that time, it was then that I noticed we needed to have a talk. If he tried to correct something she said or did, she wouldn’t want to engage with him later in the evening and was starting to not greet him when he came home in fear that she would be corrected by him again.
I realized and understood that when he came home at 7:00 pm, she was already tired from the day and no longer had space in her two-year-old world to accept any sort of correction from her papa. So the adjustment on his part would have to be: Come home and just have fun with her, then speak to me about any corrections he would like to implement instead. I will then talk to our daughter about it the next day when she is fresh and has the energy to absorb it.
Next thing you know, she is racing towards him when she hears him at the front door every night, and would even start looking for him when I have to discipline her during the day. I am definitely the disciplinarian, only because by default I am the one who stays at home with the kids, and he has now become the more “fun parent,” which I am okay with.
It’s a tricky conversation but one you must have with your partner. Confusing kids with two separate rules from two different parents under one roof would just be frustrating for everyone.
That said, we continuously work on respectful, gentle parenting as old (parental) habits die hard.
If either of us discipline in the “old way” by yelling at them or anything like that, what we always do is we will make sure that we support the other first. If I walk into the room and he is disciplining them in a way that maybe doesn’t align with how I want them to be parented, I don’t scold him or go up against him in front of the children. Instead, I show support and speak to him about it another time—we then try to meet a happy ground.
“Much of ‘good parenting’ boils down to reflecting on your own childhood and taking the good, applying it, and leaving the bad. The real world can be a cold and mean place, so let your home radiate with love and support.”
And honestly, after my partner has seen the positive effect that it has on our children—especially our five-year-old who responds really well to respectful parenting—things have run smoothly in our household. However, our two-year-old is definitely in need of more discipline. I’ve noticed that she needs firmer guidance because she is always competing with her sister. She is always trying to prove herself, which I would say is maybe normal for a second child.
If going the traditional way or the gentle parenting way is too far-sided for both of you to agree, I believe much of “good parenting” boils down to reflecting on your own childhood and taking the good, applying it, and leaving the bad. The real world can be a cold and mean place, so let your home radiate with love and support. I hope this helps you and your husband get on the same page with your parenting ways.