Parenting only gets tougher as our children grow older. Here’s how to navigate through the highs and lows of the adolescent mind
Taking care of growing kids may lead to arguments and flared tempers. They won’t be their pure, adorable, and helpless selves forever, and yet we as parents will continue to love and care for them.
In the fourth edition of “Motherhood & me,” we learn how to best navigate through the rocky emotions of a growing child.
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1. Hey Tricia, my kids and I have gotten into a bad cycle of arguing about everything where I end up losing my temper, walk out, and nothing is resolved. The arguments are always about petty things so it doesn’t seem like anyone’s feelings are getting hurt, though it’s starting to affect me. How can I diffuse this cycle?
Let me start by saying, if you want respectful children, be a respectful parent. It has to start from you.
Here’s what I do and so far it’s been working for my family: When you’re at home and you’re correcting and disciplining your children, try not to raise your voice at them. Respond instead of reacting, and always keep in mind that our kids are always observing us. They are constantly learning how to feel and what to think based on how we react to certain situations.
Self-awareness prevents us from taking our kids’ behaviors personally so we need to understand our own triggers and as responsible parents, be in control of our own emotions. We have to be the better example for our little humans to learn from.
If you want respectful children, be a respectful parent. It has to start from you.
I actually have a glass jar—it’s my yelling jar—every time I raise my voice, I have to put a P100 bill into it. It makes me accountable and the kids are usually the ones who remind me that I owe money.
The magic behind the yell jar is that it enables us to talk about why I yelled. And typically those conversations sound like this: ‘Hey girls here is my P100. I am sorry I yelled, yes, I have big feelings, and I have big emotions, and I need to work on that. So can you help me?…’ There are no buts after the apology.
I’ll never let my girls feel like they’re beneath me. We’re a team. It’s a group effort.
I find that when I apologize to my girls for my mistakes, they feel safer being open to me. Then, we can talk about why I yelled in a calm environment where it feels like we’re a team. It’s not always mom against them. We are a team that holds each other accountable for behaviors and things we are working on. I am only human so even I get angry and frustrated as well. But, it’s always about displaying the why and how. When you get angry—and we all do occasionally—make sure to show them how you self-regulate your emotions. Pause, take a moment, and breathe—say a quick prayer in your head even, and then respond.
I attended a course, “Welcoming Waves of Emotions” with respectful parenting expert Kristin Mariella Fridjonsdottir. You might also want to check out her book “Sometimes I Cry, Sometimes I Laugh.” Basically what I’m encouraging is putting in the work into becoming a more mindful person. Yes, it’s like trying to train an old dog with new tricks. If I was able to do it, you can too!
Now, pause, pray, and respond. Try not to walk out, stand there, and let your kids see you self-regulating. I’ll never let my girls feel like they’re beneath me. We’re a team. It’s a group effort.
There’s also this book titled, “Little Unicorn is Sad (How Are You Feeling Today?).” It encourages children to name their emotions and manage them with breathing exercises. We’ve read this book so many times that my kids will tell me to do the breathing exercise when they see me getting frustrated or after I’ve lost my cool. We all help each other.
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2. I’m about to give birth and I don’t think I want to breastfeed. I hear about the pros and cons. Do you mind sharing your experience?
My personal opinion is, there’s no right or wrong answer on whether you breastfeed or not. You already know that your child’s going to be healthy, safe, and secure either way. It’s basically a personal choice.
When I was 37, I gave birth to my eldest daughter, and when I was 39, I gave birth to my youngest. Let’s talk about my first-born breastfeeding experience.
There’s no right or wrong answer on whether you breastfeed or not. You already know that your child’s going to be healthy, safe, and secure either way. It’s basically a personal choice.
I spent months fantasizing about and planning my breastfeeding journey. I attended breastfeeding courses and I consulted with a lactation expert here in the Philippines. Across the board the message was always the same, “Breast is best,” or “Breastfeed until you can, it’s a must”—I was so onboard with it all.
I knew I wanted to breastfeed but it didn’t come naturally to me. The first month, I really struggled my way through it all. I was pumping and freezing my extra milk, all the while exclusively breastfeeding. I was purposely consuming high-calorie meals to make sure my breast milk supply wouldn’t drop, and I was also having lactation massages, which hurt like hell. At the time I was doing everything that I was told was right but I honestly felt like a human cow!
You just need to be strong in your convictions and know that what you are doing is right for you and your mental and physical health.
My eldest, I breastfed until she was six months old but it wasn’t all mine. It was in the fourth month when my milk started disappearing. Luckily, I had a girlfriend who generously donated her extra breast milk. And then at the six-month mark, we switched to formula.
It was a big turning point for me when my best friend, who has three children, told me, “Tricia, okay, enough. I’m watching you, I see you and you are one step away from falling into postpartum depression. Do you think it’s time to consider mixed feeding?”
She noticed that I was gaining weight, unhappy, stressed, and worried about my milk output, and she was watching me struggle. I couldn’t see it. It took me three days before speaking to that friend again. I was so mad at her for pointing all of this out to me even if it came from a place of love and concern. Eventually, I accepted the milk donation from my dear friend and fellow mom.
Looking back, I wouldn’t have done it all the same way. I would have started to mix feed sooner. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed breastfeeding and the connection and bond that it fostered. I didn’t mind waking up at night and not having a nanny or night nurse for the first four months. I thoroughly enjoyed it. But, looking back, I would have done it differently to protect my mental health. And I wish somebody had said that to me sooner.
This one breastfeeding expert was telling me how she knew women who were breastfeeding until their children were five, six years old. I knew I was never going to be that kind of mother. My body wasn’t physically able to produce milk for that long. Ideally, if I had the choice, I would have liked to mix-fed for at least 12 months. And I remember the last feed I gave both my girls; I hugged them, congratulated myself, and thanked them because it was a tough journey. This was my experience.
Here is my take on advising other mothers about their upcoming breastfeeding journey: If you don’t want to breastfeed, then don’t do it. I know so many beautiful little boys and girls who were never breastfed by their mother and that was their choice. You just need to be strong in your convictions and know that what you are doing is right for you and your mental and physical health. You just need to be there for your baby and that’s all that matters. Don’t let anybody tell you what you should or should not do with your body. It is your birthright that you decide.
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3. I have a four-year-old who is in kindergarten and when she comes home from school she’s a little sassy.
My five-year-old started school at three-and-a-half. That for me was when I too noticed the sass! I observed that she picked up the behaviors and body language of the girls in her class. So the school that you send your child to is very important.
Sometimes, when she would come home and share something that I thought was unusual, or when she would give me one-word answers to a question she would usually be open about, the first thing I do is to give her space.
Space is the biggest thing you can give, but make sure it’s not the kind where they feel like they’re left alone, but instead makes them feel safe. I also try not to pry too much, so I find that in the car after picking them up from school for me is key.
When she gets in the car, I play it cool and my usual questions sound like this, ‘So who made you laugh today?’, ‘Did you enjoy your lunch?’, ‘Do you feel like there was something that you did really well?’, or ‘What was the song in music class?’
I ask these particular questions knowing she loves to laugh, and likes snack time and music. I see if she shares that with me and observe what kind of mood she’s in. If she’s not sassing me I also ask ‘What did you find tricky/challenging today?’
Just ride the sassy wave of emotions because she is trying to figure it all out.
As parents, we always have to read our children because 2024 parenting is very different from when I was a kid. Sometimes you just have to play it cool for a little bit. With sassy little girls, sometimes being a boss mom straight after school only works against me.
But rest assured, my daughter is nearly five-and-a-half, and the sass doesn’t last. So I suggest, don’t point it out and turn it into a big thing. Just ride the sassy wave of emotions because she is trying to figure it all out.